Hi Maggie,
My old dog seems to be off. She got me up at 3:30 to take her out, after which she sort of paced and wandered until 5:00, when I got up. I never went back to sleep, because I was waiting to see if she wanted something,or to see if she cried or whined or whimpered- something. But she seemed calm. Once I was up, she slept. She also made three puddles before 3:30. This is something new...
While I was up in the middle of the night, I was trying to go back to sweet memories. I know they are there. But I think my mind needs to be a little more rested...
A lot of my sweet memories seem to be during the years Dad was gone...I'll have to work on that!
I saw a video today of a young woman comedian who appears in stilettos, a bra and a denim jacket. She does all rape jokes. But none of the jokes are at the expense of the victim. She points out that it does not take a short skirt, alcohol, flirtiness to cause rape. All it takes is a rapist who feels he has the right to assault a woman.
I was reading something else about being raped. Basically, stop using passive voice. Instead of I was raped, the statement should be: Someone raped me. Someone felt he had the right to rape me.
It bled into another statement I saw written the way we see it, say it, then rewritten to encompass the truth. What we hear, what we say is that They are stealing our jobs. (They are Mexican or Muslim, whoever we are being primed to hate and fear this week.) In truth, look at the business owner who fired you so he could exploit someone else at an even cheaper price.
I have long said there is power in what we say, in the words we choose. Now I am seeing it unfold a little more. I need to think about the whole of what I am saying in order to speak truth, then maybe someday speak truth to power.
I watched another video of a group of young black men dressed as women, ready to dance in a parade. The police told them they could not be part of the parade, so the young men joined hands and danced down the sidewalk, following their band. People booed, and told them they were disgusting. They looked uncomfortable, sad, maybe a little frightened, but they wanted to dance, and so they danced. Afterwards, several people came up to them and said the others did not have the right to treat them that way. A young girl came up crying, and said she thought they had the right to dance. It was really beautiful to see the support, but I was thinking about what I would like to do if I ever witness something like this.
I don't think very fast in the moment, so I need to think things out beforehand. And it came to me. The best thing I could have done was take the hand of the last man, and joined them, publicly. I think if one person does it, others will be brave enough to join, and then it becomes fun.
I hope I remember this. Just join in and make it okay, or at least publicly announce that not everyone is appalled.
Random thoughts...
Hope all is well with you.
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
sweetness
Hi Maggie,
I was surprised. Mom called me yesterday to talk about Dad. We moved from phone to Skype, and the conversation became toddler dominated. The toddler was being cute.
I think Mom needs support. I think she needs us to reach out to her.
I talked to all of my kids...well, 4 talks, 1 email, and let them know they might want to go visit.
I read an article yesterday, before I got the news...synchronicity...that made me cry. I am attaching it here...I sent a link to S#3. She called just after I read it, and I was still a little weepy.
http://www.nextavenue.org/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-dying/
The article talks about our fantasies of making peace, of pulling out the old wounds, of expecting apologies and breakthroughs. I know that is not going to happen. But the article then talks about sharing what we appreciate about someone. About making the last words kind, not something we will regret.
I think it is the piece I needed. I know I wrote sometime earlier this month that I wasn't sure what I wanted, well except apologies and love and acceptance from him, which was not based in reality. I didn't know exactly what I needed to exchange with Dad at the end.
Now I know it is kindness.
I am going to try to remember the sweet times and let him know I appreciate them. I remember. He didn't talk to me for about 5 years after I wrote to Mom - at her request- and talked about the effects on us of his meanness. Well, the story always has two sides.
So let's think about the sweet side and get tender towards each other.
My neighbor made a prediction. She said there was going to be a gathering, no children - all adults. There will be healing. She also said we should try to visit before the end of summer...don't wait until fall.
I found it interesting that Mom said Dad would do surgery, radiation and chemo. He was willing to fight. He was glad when they said he could fight. Then S#5 said he will refuse chemo. The Delana drama begins anew!
I know gem elixirs. I made a few when I was making a lot of flower essences. Someone I knew then made them. We were working with them one day, and I felt drunk. We all have different modalities that work with us. The essences/elixirs resound with me. Powerfully. I have a book here that talks about the gems and crystals and their effects. I'll share it with you when you visit. You can see if you would like to borrow it.
I'm glad you had a chance to talk to your foster-son. I always found driving was a great time to communicate with the boys. The girls prefer sitting face-to-face, and talking. The boys panic. They prefer to be side-by-side, doing something. Then they open up.
And always trust your intuition.Don;t let anyone silence you...especially yourself!
I have been having long days at work followed by long times with my granddaughter followed by still needing to write reports, almost until bedtime. I am dragging...S#5 and her crew will be here this weekend. I have a three-day weekend. I hope that helps.
Love and hugs from Clare
I was surprised. Mom called me yesterday to talk about Dad. We moved from phone to Skype, and the conversation became toddler dominated. The toddler was being cute.
I think Mom needs support. I think she needs us to reach out to her.
I talked to all of my kids...well, 4 talks, 1 email, and let them know they might want to go visit.
I read an article yesterday, before I got the news...synchronicity...that made me cry. I am attaching it here...I sent a link to S#3. She called just after I read it, and I was still a little weepy.
http://www.nextavenue.org/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-dying/
The article talks about our fantasies of making peace, of pulling out the old wounds, of expecting apologies and breakthroughs. I know that is not going to happen. But the article then talks about sharing what we appreciate about someone. About making the last words kind, not something we will regret.
I think it is the piece I needed. I know I wrote sometime earlier this month that I wasn't sure what I wanted, well except apologies and love and acceptance from him, which was not based in reality. I didn't know exactly what I needed to exchange with Dad at the end.
Now I know it is kindness.
I am going to try to remember the sweet times and let him know I appreciate them. I remember. He didn't talk to me for about 5 years after I wrote to Mom - at her request- and talked about the effects on us of his meanness. Well, the story always has two sides.
So let's think about the sweet side and get tender towards each other.
My neighbor made a prediction. She said there was going to be a gathering, no children - all adults. There will be healing. She also said we should try to visit before the end of summer...don't wait until fall.
I found it interesting that Mom said Dad would do surgery, radiation and chemo. He was willing to fight. He was glad when they said he could fight. Then S#5 said he will refuse chemo. The Delana drama begins anew!
I know gem elixirs. I made a few when I was making a lot of flower essences. Someone I knew then made them. We were working with them one day, and I felt drunk. We all have different modalities that work with us. The essences/elixirs resound with me. Powerfully. I have a book here that talks about the gems and crystals and their effects. I'll share it with you when you visit. You can see if you would like to borrow it.
I'm glad you had a chance to talk to your foster-son. I always found driving was a great time to communicate with the boys. The girls prefer sitting face-to-face, and talking. The boys panic. They prefer to be side-by-side, doing something. Then they open up.
And always trust your intuition.Don;t let anyone silence you...especially yourself!
I have been having long days at work followed by long times with my granddaughter followed by still needing to write reports, almost until bedtime. I am dragging...S#5 and her crew will be here this weekend. I have a three-day weekend. I hope that helps.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
clarity
Clare,
Thanks for the sounding board…
my emotions are real and valid…
but sometimes they seem less important when I hear the reflected back to me.
No I did not warn everyone that I wanted a celebration…
but I want someone to acknowledge my journey.
I guess I thought husband would mention something…
last year I mentioned on the 25th that it was my 1 year anniversary,
he corrected me that the date was actually the 26th.
I guess I want to be special…
everyone wants to feel special.
I spent hours with my young man today…
driving to and from a doctor's appointment.
He was able to discuss many frustrations.
I was able to share some observations and frustrations too.
He feels we are trying to control him too much when it comes to relationships (with dad) and spending his money. We have asked him to wait at least one week before making any major purchase…
he wants a tablet with a keyboard…
he's changed his mind 3 times about which one he wants…
tomorrow is the day he can order it…
he wants to be able to spend his earnings any way he wants to.
I explained that when husband and I agreed to welcome him into our family that meant more than food/clothing/shelter…
it's a package of discipline and lessons about living a life…
a life within our means…
setting priorities and triaging choices.
He seems to understand, but still doesn't like it.
I explained that the dad stuff is on hold until I get clarification from the CYS worker about the rules…
then we will address that subject.
I went to a crystals workshop last night. I can feel vibrational energy from some of them…
but I don't get really excited about them. My friends were taking notes and asking questions…
I don't really get it.
The teacher had one interesting idea though. She soaks her crystals in essential oils or 'florida water' and makes 'gem elixirs' that carry the properties of the crystals. She compared it to flowers essences…
you might understand that better than I do.
So Papa Delana has an aggressive bladder tumor…
not sure of the depth of invasion at this point.
I'm assuming that S#5 conveyed this info to you.
I'm not surprised he's refusing chemo…
he doesn't do well with discomfort and stress.
I think he'll have surgery for Mama Delana's sake…
but I am not optimistic about this.
I have to find out more about the tumor type from S#5.
It will be insightful to see how we all move through this.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thanks for the sounding board…
my emotions are real and valid…
but sometimes they seem less important when I hear the reflected back to me.
No I did not warn everyone that I wanted a celebration…
but I want someone to acknowledge my journey.
I guess I thought husband would mention something…
last year I mentioned on the 25th that it was my 1 year anniversary,
he corrected me that the date was actually the 26th.
I guess I want to be special…
everyone wants to feel special.
I spent hours with my young man today…
driving to and from a doctor's appointment.
He was able to discuss many frustrations.
I was able to share some observations and frustrations too.
He feels we are trying to control him too much when it comes to relationships (with dad) and spending his money. We have asked him to wait at least one week before making any major purchase…
he wants a tablet with a keyboard…
he's changed his mind 3 times about which one he wants…
tomorrow is the day he can order it…
he wants to be able to spend his earnings any way he wants to.
I explained that when husband and I agreed to welcome him into our family that meant more than food/clothing/shelter…
it's a package of discipline and lessons about living a life…
a life within our means…
setting priorities and triaging choices.
He seems to understand, but still doesn't like it.
I explained that the dad stuff is on hold until I get clarification from the CYS worker about the rules…
then we will address that subject.
I went to a crystals workshop last night. I can feel vibrational energy from some of them…
but I don't get really excited about them. My friends were taking notes and asking questions…
I don't really get it.
The teacher had one interesting idea though. She soaks her crystals in essential oils or 'florida water' and makes 'gem elixirs' that carry the properties of the crystals. She compared it to flowers essences…
you might understand that better than I do.
So Papa Delana has an aggressive bladder tumor…
not sure of the depth of invasion at this point.
I'm assuming that S#5 conveyed this info to you.
I'm not surprised he's refusing chemo…
he doesn't do well with discomfort and stress.
I think he'll have surgery for Mama Delana's sake…
but I am not optimistic about this.
I have to find out more about the tumor type from S#5.
It will be insightful to see how we all move through this.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, June 27, 2016
soaps
Hi Maggie,
If you want people to celebrate your Survivor Day, and as it should be, and you want it to be a family holiday, then write it real big, in red, and with glitter, and add some butterfly stickers on June 26 of the calendar every single year. Did you remind anyone/everyone beforehand, or did you just expect them to remember? Even the best of us forget birthdays and anniversaries if it's not written down.
And make it a Facebook date to remember, too.
Get in our faces and remind us that this day is important to you, therefore to us!
Lead the way. I was wondering if there are any Hooray you survived cards...maybe we should start a line!! We should be celebrating everything. Like maybe, cards to leave with the zucchini we leave on the neighbor's porch. We can use the proceeds to support your healing center.
Check on the legality of unsupervised visits. Let your foster-son know this is threatening the situation. I can understand your feeling betrayed. It is hard to tell if Dad's visit was a surprise or not. It is also hard to tell why his dad suddenly wants to see him. His motives may not be paternal.
Maybe call the father out. Be transparent. Make sure he knows what the situation is. Make sure he knows that you know what the situation is. No drama. No threats. Just a simple story. And make sure Dad knows you will not bar him from seeing his son and having a relationship. Don't give him any room to be uncomfortable or complaining.
I really like the idea of being so transparent that no one can do anything underhanded. No one can manipulate your boy...
Patience, trust, open-heart, and transparency. Soap operas thrive on secrecy and manipulations. Let's not live that life!
I saw a quote recently. Two angels were talking, apparently about to incarnate. One said they could not wait to sit on the couch and watch soap operas. We are not here to waste time, nor are we here to do drama.
I Quakered all day yesterday. I visited a meeting as a part of a larger committee. I got to see the insides of a meeting, which makes me understand my own better.
I got definite message that we are getting old and drying up, but we can reverse that by playing. It was a fun message, and I tried on lots of different ways of playing.
And I got to share lunch with a British Friend, who was absolutely European and really wondering about the vote. He said he voted to stay. He talked about their political process and then two of the leaders, and told us who to watch out for...He also has no idea what will happen now, and is just watching...
I didn't get any walks in today. Instead I spent my time doing the most dread, most disgusting of all chores...I cleaned the refrigerator.
So that is done...for now.
All is quiet, and settled for right now.
Maybe we'll get a few days!
Love and hugs from Clare
If you want people to celebrate your Survivor Day, and as it should be, and you want it to be a family holiday, then write it real big, in red, and with glitter, and add some butterfly stickers on June 26 of the calendar every single year. Did you remind anyone/everyone beforehand, or did you just expect them to remember? Even the best of us forget birthdays and anniversaries if it's not written down.
And make it a Facebook date to remember, too.
Get in our faces and remind us that this day is important to you, therefore to us!
Lead the way. I was wondering if there are any Hooray you survived cards...maybe we should start a line!! We should be celebrating everything. Like maybe, cards to leave with the zucchini we leave on the neighbor's porch. We can use the proceeds to support your healing center.
Check on the legality of unsupervised visits. Let your foster-son know this is threatening the situation. I can understand your feeling betrayed. It is hard to tell if Dad's visit was a surprise or not. It is also hard to tell why his dad suddenly wants to see him. His motives may not be paternal.
Maybe call the father out. Be transparent. Make sure he knows what the situation is. Make sure he knows that you know what the situation is. No drama. No threats. Just a simple story. And make sure Dad knows you will not bar him from seeing his son and having a relationship. Don't give him any room to be uncomfortable or complaining.
I really like the idea of being so transparent that no one can do anything underhanded. No one can manipulate your boy...
Patience, trust, open-heart, and transparency. Soap operas thrive on secrecy and manipulations. Let's not live that life!
I saw a quote recently. Two angels were talking, apparently about to incarnate. One said they could not wait to sit on the couch and watch soap operas. We are not here to waste time, nor are we here to do drama.
I Quakered all day yesterday. I visited a meeting as a part of a larger committee. I got to see the insides of a meeting, which makes me understand my own better.
I got definite message that we are getting old and drying up, but we can reverse that by playing. It was a fun message, and I tried on lots of different ways of playing.
And I got to share lunch with a British Friend, who was absolutely European and really wondering about the vote. He said he voted to stay. He talked about their political process and then two of the leaders, and told us who to watch out for...He also has no idea what will happen now, and is just watching...
I didn't get any walks in today. Instead I spent my time doing the most dread, most disgusting of all chores...I cleaned the refrigerator.
So that is done...for now.
All is quiet, and settled for right now.
Maybe we'll get a few days!
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, June 26, 2016
struggling today
Clare,
I love the prayer…
it comes from your center…
there is truth in it.
Loving ourselves is an important step in life…
or maybe accepting ourselves, flaws and all is the goal.
I need to do some acceptance of my own body and its changes too. I had a sense of coming to peace with my 'lady lumps' during yoga yesterday morning. I'm having some revisions on them in August and then maybe I'll decorate them with tattooed lace as I've been toying with.
As for your oldest…
many strong women have raised children alone.
It's challenging…
and tedious...
but she can do it if she chooses that path.
She will find her way.
I am struggling today.
No one in my family acknowledged that today is my "survivor day"…
I had to call it to their attention. That makes me feel unimportant.
On top of that I found out last night that my young man had his father visit him at work…
I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much.
He has been texting him…
told him where and when he works…
and then announced he was surprised that 'dad' had visited.
I feel so ambiguous about this. Part of me feels as if he's sneaking and being dishonest. I've offered to take him to a meeting with 'dad'. He's always refused. I've been told by the CYS worker that he shouldn't visit without supervision…
I'm not sure if that's an order or a preference…
I have to check on that.
But, why am I feeling hurt and betrayed by this action?
I am confusing myself here.
I know continued contact is important…
but it seems that I feel I have to be in control…
I'm not sure that's legitimate or not.
I am not sure what I feel or want.
It's not supposed to be about me though…
I'm trying to do good here…
but I'm feeling taken advantage of.
The scariest part is that I hear Papa Delana's voice arising in my head…
saying less than supportive things.
This is harder than I thought it would be.
Patience with myself and my young man.
that's what I need.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I love the prayer…
it comes from your center…
there is truth in it.
Loving ourselves is an important step in life…
or maybe accepting ourselves, flaws and all is the goal.
I need to do some acceptance of my own body and its changes too. I had a sense of coming to peace with my 'lady lumps' during yoga yesterday morning. I'm having some revisions on them in August and then maybe I'll decorate them with tattooed lace as I've been toying with.
As for your oldest…
many strong women have raised children alone.
It's challenging…
and tedious...
but she can do it if she chooses that path.
She will find her way.
I am struggling today.
No one in my family acknowledged that today is my "survivor day"…
I had to call it to their attention. That makes me feel unimportant.
On top of that I found out last night that my young man had his father visit him at work…
I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much.
He has been texting him…
told him where and when he works…
and then announced he was surprised that 'dad' had visited.
I feel so ambiguous about this. Part of me feels as if he's sneaking and being dishonest. I've offered to take him to a meeting with 'dad'. He's always refused. I've been told by the CYS worker that he shouldn't visit without supervision…
I'm not sure if that's an order or a preference…
I have to check on that.
But, why am I feeling hurt and betrayed by this action?
I am confusing myself here.
I know continued contact is important…
but it seems that I feel I have to be in control…
I'm not sure that's legitimate or not.
I am not sure what I feel or want.
It's not supposed to be about me though…
I'm trying to do good here…
but I'm feeling taken advantage of.
The scariest part is that I hear Papa Delana's voice arising in my head…
saying less than supportive things.
This is harder than I thought it would be.
Patience with myself and my young man.
that's what I need.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, June 25, 2016
prayer
Hi Magie,
I just went for a 2 mile walk, a faster walk than I do with the stroller. A "prayer" came, unbidden. I thought I would share it here. Partially because I will own it, partially because I will remember.
As I walked, something inside of me rose and became words:
I am ready to face the pain.
I thank you for insulating me,
protecting me,
keeping me strong inside here.
But I am ready to release the quilts I am hiding in.
I thank this body for the experiences
for bearing five healthy children...
what power.
And I apologize for all the times I said I hate you
especially my thighs
even when I was young and slender and healthy,
I hated you
And I don't know why
But you are strong
You are beautiful...
You are beautiful changed to I am beautiful, in time with my walking. Part of me was very upset. But a mama-self said it was okay to be uncomfortable. Just stay with it.
In the past I would have told myself to shut the hell up.
I am being more accepting of myself, it seems.
I couldn't move the full length mirror, because my screw gun is not here. Hmmmm... But I moved a big oval mirror, placing it oddly at shoulder level in my bedroom, where I can see my body but not my face.
My oldest was so sad, so overwhelmed. She now knows that she may not find a man she wants to marry, but she does want to be a mother. She has changed. She is more spiritual.
My youngest is frightened, but holding together. Her boyfriend's mother is an ER nurse and called with advice. Her first statement to her son was, "I know her well enough to know she is searching the internet for information and scaring herself. Tell her to get off now!" She's gonna have a good mother-in-law.
Love you,
Clare
I just went for a 2 mile walk, a faster walk than I do with the stroller. A "prayer" came, unbidden. I thought I would share it here. Partially because I will own it, partially because I will remember.
As I walked, something inside of me rose and became words:
I am ready to face the pain.
I thank you for insulating me,
protecting me,
keeping me strong inside here.
But I am ready to release the quilts I am hiding in.
I thank this body for the experiences
for bearing five healthy children...
what power.
And I apologize for all the times I said I hate you
especially my thighs
even when I was young and slender and healthy,
I hated you
And I don't know why
But you are strong
You are beautiful...
You are beautiful changed to I am beautiful, in time with my walking. Part of me was very upset. But a mama-self said it was okay to be uncomfortable. Just stay with it.
In the past I would have told myself to shut the hell up.
I am being more accepting of myself, it seems.
I couldn't move the full length mirror, because my screw gun is not here. Hmmmm... But I moved a big oval mirror, placing it oddly at shoulder level in my bedroom, where I can see my body but not my face.
My oldest was so sad, so overwhelmed. She now knows that she may not find a man she wants to marry, but she does want to be a mother. She has changed. She is more spiritual.
My youngest is frightened, but holding together. Her boyfriend's mother is an ER nurse and called with advice. Her first statement to her son was, "I know her well enough to know she is searching the internet for information and scaring herself. Tell her to get off now!" She's gonna have a good mother-in-law.
Love you,
Clare
dynamic change
Clare,
I am so sorry about your oldest's baby…
I felt such joy for her.
How is she doing?
I'm sorry for your youngest and the lyme disease…
that can be tricky to clear.
I'm sorry for the legal issues…
we've had those experiences too.
Wow- What a week!
I want to live in a world where people's voices are heard and honored.
I do.
I do not want to live in a world where the voice of hatred and 'isms' are the only ones heard.
I get a sense that the UK didn't really think they would be successful in the vote to exit…
I've heard commentary that the leaders were shocked and do not have a plan forward.
It is a time of amazing opportunity for change…
I just pray that it is change for peace and acceptance.
Closing borders is not the way to peace and prosperity.
It is cold and isolating…
insulating against the outside elements…
but change happens even when we fight it.
It is inevitable.
It is healthy.
Life is dynamic and constantly changing…
stagnant things die…
it's a truth and a constant in biology…
and life.
It will be interesting to see what plays out.
I made a batch of kombucha…
I tasted it today…
it's like sour green apples.
I am going to drink it for several days and see what effects it has on my body.
I will keep you posted.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am so sorry about your oldest's baby…
I felt such joy for her.
How is she doing?
I'm sorry for your youngest and the lyme disease…
that can be tricky to clear.
I'm sorry for the legal issues…
we've had those experiences too.
Wow- What a week!
I want to live in a world where people's voices are heard and honored.
I do.
I do not want to live in a world where the voice of hatred and 'isms' are the only ones heard.
I get a sense that the UK didn't really think they would be successful in the vote to exit…
I've heard commentary that the leaders were shocked and do not have a plan forward.
It is a time of amazing opportunity for change…
I just pray that it is change for peace and acceptance.
Closing borders is not the way to peace and prosperity.
It is cold and isolating…
insulating against the outside elements…
but change happens even when we fight it.
It is inevitable.
It is healthy.
Life is dynamic and constantly changing…
stagnant things die…
it's a truth and a constant in biology…
and life.
It will be interesting to see what plays out.
I made a batch of kombucha…
I tasted it today…
it's like sour green apples.
I am going to drink it for several days and see what effects it has on my body.
I will keep you posted.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
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