"If a
woman has (the right to an abortion), why shouldn’t a man be free to
use his superior strength to force himself on a woman? At least the
rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t (in most cases) result in
anyone’s death.” - Lawrence Lockman, GOP Representative, Maine
I am sure you have seen this. I am flabbergasted. I don't see the connection, really. I want to argue, but no words come. Every time I start to respond, to put ideas together, they fall apart.
I know several women who have had abortions. None were easy decisions. Everyone agonized. Their decisions were made because of financial reasons, because of custody reasons, in one case because parents forced it. None were easy, none had anything to do with sexual freedom, and every woman misses her baby around the time it would have been born. Every woman also suffers physically.
Having to endure an abortion is a kind of rape. Our bodies, our lives, our financial security are all at the mercy of someone else. Women make a fraction of what men make. After divorce, a woman's standard of living falls, a man's improves. Rape. Rape. Rape.
It's all a culture of disempowerment.
Another horrified thought wonders how a man who considers himself superior and would tolerate the thought - who would even entertain it, then speak it out loud - sexually assaulting women should not be a political leader.
He is telling us that in no uncertain terms should we have any control of our own bodies. If we have the freedom to decide not to bear a child, then we are available for rape...we lose the right to decide who we would like to be sexual with.
Rape culture.
I am so nauseated...
Clare
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
quick note
Read an article tonight about a group of biker's who protect children who have been abused. When the young person is afraid or afraid to testify, the bikers dress in leather and stand guard 24 hours a day until the young person feels safe again.
Connection and community.
Sleep well...
C.
Connection and community.
Sleep well...
C.
Mind exhaustion
Clare,
It is very compassionate and generous of you to offer your home and love to these young women. I am sure that it fills a space in their heart and soul. Just knowing that someone cares is helpful.
I think you are right about hearing stories that I am now able to hear…but there are times when I question my own readiness…I guess I have to trust in the process.
Today I did a guided meditation with a young woman…it was really amazing…I felt myself totally relax and go with it too.
I am still rather tired from last weekend, I notice that I am fatigued much earlier than usual and my mind is too tired to consider complex ideas in the evening…it's kind of weird. Last night I was trying to decide what patterns to order to begin the costuming project and had to put it away because I couldn't choose between 2 types of breeches. I had to go back to it this morning…it's humbling.
I have been feeling a lot of gratitude this past week. Last weekend's activities certainly reminded me how fortunate I am…but my house is experiencing a peacefulness that was lacking for the previous 6 weeks or so. My sons are actually settled and pleasant to be around…they are doing their work…they are not deliberately breaking rules. I am sure that the storms are not over…but we seem to have survived this last one. I am grateful for the respite.
I am also grateful to be gathering with you and S#3 next week…I am so looking forward to it. It will be a very relaxed time, just being together.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
It is very compassionate and generous of you to offer your home and love to these young women. I am sure that it fills a space in their heart and soul. Just knowing that someone cares is helpful.
I think you are right about hearing stories that I am now able to hear…but there are times when I question my own readiness…I guess I have to trust in the process.
Today I did a guided meditation with a young woman…it was really amazing…I felt myself totally relax and go with it too.
I am still rather tired from last weekend, I notice that I am fatigued much earlier than usual and my mind is too tired to consider complex ideas in the evening…it's kind of weird. Last night I was trying to decide what patterns to order to begin the costuming project and had to put it away because I couldn't choose between 2 types of breeches. I had to go back to it this morning…it's humbling.
I have been feeling a lot of gratitude this past week. Last weekend's activities certainly reminded me how fortunate I am…but my house is experiencing a peacefulness that was lacking for the previous 6 weeks or so. My sons are actually settled and pleasant to be around…they are doing their work…they are not deliberately breaking rules. I am sure that the storms are not over…but we seem to have survived this last one. I am grateful for the respite.
I am also grateful to be gathering with you and S#3 next week…I am so looking forward to it. It will be a very relaxed time, just being together.
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
Another long day
Ahh...the end of another long day. I'll post, make dinner, then crash! I thought it was Wednesday, so the fact that it is Thursday is making exhaustion easier to bear!
My young friend lives in another part of the US. She hopes to move back here next year. I hope she does. The weather is harder to take, but the community is fine! She made a nice realization about the difference between being the mother and the mommy. She pointed out that some women are good at both, but it's possible to only be good at one. And she got a mother. She ended by saying she hopes she never lets pride stand between her and her children, between her and being a mommy.
We have another situation here, with another young woman in an abusive situation. Friends have witnessed the way the boyfriend speaks to her - abusively. Now she has bruises on her arms. My daughter got in her face and pointed out that it will get worse. And she reminded this friend of how hard it was when she left her abuser and came home pregnant. But my daughter said that after she walked through the fear and got out, once she believed she was out, suddenly a great weight lifted and she has never felt so high in her life. But we also reminded this young woman we are always here for her. Our home is and always will be her home.
My daughter has just begun a new relationship. I am pleased with her choice. But being in the relationship is bringing back a lot of the pain of the former relationship. For instance, she was wrestling around, playing, with her new companion and he put his hand up. She involuntarily flinched. He was very upset...both because someone had taught her to flinch, and because she would flinch around him. He is also making her aware of her need to apologize about every little thing that might annoy him - like falling asleep. He keeps reassuring her it's okay. I think this will be very healing for her. She has drawn a good teacher into her life.
I lent my copy of Women Who Run With the Wolves to a friend going through a divorce. I think she still has it..Thanks for the reminder!
Sometimes I think I have rewritten some of my memories. But I am not sure...I do know I am more aware of what happened than some of our sibs though!
I think the stories you are hearing are more, more, more layers of Me, too! I think you are hearing them because it is time, and because you have the strength and the wisdom. I think they will help you integrate on many levels...
Love and hugs,
Clare
My young friend lives in another part of the US. She hopes to move back here next year. I hope she does. The weather is harder to take, but the community is fine! She made a nice realization about the difference between being the mother and the mommy. She pointed out that some women are good at both, but it's possible to only be good at one. And she got a mother. She ended by saying she hopes she never lets pride stand between her and her children, between her and being a mommy.
We have another situation here, with another young woman in an abusive situation. Friends have witnessed the way the boyfriend speaks to her - abusively. Now she has bruises on her arms. My daughter got in her face and pointed out that it will get worse. And she reminded this friend of how hard it was when she left her abuser and came home pregnant. But my daughter said that after she walked through the fear and got out, once she believed she was out, suddenly a great weight lifted and she has never felt so high in her life. But we also reminded this young woman we are always here for her. Our home is and always will be her home.
My daughter has just begun a new relationship. I am pleased with her choice. But being in the relationship is bringing back a lot of the pain of the former relationship. For instance, she was wrestling around, playing, with her new companion and he put his hand up. She involuntarily flinched. He was very upset...both because someone had taught her to flinch, and because she would flinch around him. He is also making her aware of her need to apologize about every little thing that might annoy him - like falling asleep. He keeps reassuring her it's okay. I think this will be very healing for her. She has drawn a good teacher into her life.
I lent my copy of Women Who Run With the Wolves to a friend going through a divorce. I think she still has it..Thanks for the reminder!
Sometimes I think I have rewritten some of my memories. But I am not sure...I do know I am more aware of what happened than some of our sibs though!
I think the stories you are hearing are more, more, more layers of Me, too! I think you are hearing them because it is time, and because you have the strength and the wisdom. I think they will help you integrate on many levels...
Love and hugs,
Clare
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Integrating
Clare,
We hold onto the victim identity to remain sane…until it no longer works for us…until being trapped in powerlessness is more painful that moving forward. That's what the drawing "Blossoming is Bliss" was all about. Being the victim is also one side of a coin, with survivor on the other side…it still holds you in its tight grip…emotionally and physically paralyzing you.
The only way to truly be sane is to walk through the painful swampy fire-storm that we are walking…it's about gathering all of the courage that you can muster and just taking the steps into the fear and pain. The amazing thing is that as you release the painful memories …it becomes much less painful…and I have been able to reclaim certain parts of my soul that I had left behind.
You could share the Women Who Run with Wolves book with your young friend….particularly the "lost zygote" part about feeling like you were placed with the wrong parents…I have felt that so many times.
The perpetrator has made me do much thinking about our siblings who have rewritten their childhood memories. This boy is only a few years into cohesive memories…only a few years out of protective foster care…and he can't remember what he did to others and what was done to him…in a weirdly twisted way I believe the Divine is showing me how common this type of amnesia is…and to feel less frustration because of it. It's not about them lying to save face…their mind really cannot hold those memories in an accessible way. The problem is that healing is not possible without letting all of that go.
The beauty of Reiki is that the Reiki master can release that trapped energy/memory and the person doesn't have to have full recall. I have stories that flash into my mind as she is working…but the really difficult stuff is mostly just tense energy sensations moving through my body. I really do think it is miraculous for those who have been so deeply violated…perhaps it could help your young friend. If I ever get trained I would help gladly her…but that may be a year or so in the future.
I am really coming to a more integrated, peaceful state of mind and body…although I fear being split again by the stories that I am hearing. I have to trust that the Divine will offer me stability…through you, and other supportive people in my life.
My mind is fried today.
Love and Light.
Maggie
We hold onto the victim identity to remain sane…until it no longer works for us…until being trapped in powerlessness is more painful that moving forward. That's what the drawing "Blossoming is Bliss" was all about. Being the victim is also one side of a coin, with survivor on the other side…it still holds you in its tight grip…emotionally and physically paralyzing you.
The only way to truly be sane is to walk through the painful swampy fire-storm that we are walking…it's about gathering all of the courage that you can muster and just taking the steps into the fear and pain. The amazing thing is that as you release the painful memories …it becomes much less painful…and I have been able to reclaim certain parts of my soul that I had left behind.
You could share the Women Who Run with Wolves book with your young friend….particularly the "lost zygote" part about feeling like you were placed with the wrong parents…I have felt that so many times.
The perpetrator has made me do much thinking about our siblings who have rewritten their childhood memories. This boy is only a few years into cohesive memories…only a few years out of protective foster care…and he can't remember what he did to others and what was done to him…in a weirdly twisted way I believe the Divine is showing me how common this type of amnesia is…and to feel less frustration because of it. It's not about them lying to save face…their mind really cannot hold those memories in an accessible way. The problem is that healing is not possible without letting all of that go.
The beauty of Reiki is that the Reiki master can release that trapped energy/memory and the person doesn't have to have full recall. I have stories that flash into my mind as she is working…but the really difficult stuff is mostly just tense energy sensations moving through my body. I really do think it is miraculous for those who have been so deeply violated…perhaps it could help your young friend. If I ever get trained I would help gladly her…but that may be a year or so in the future.
I am really coming to a more integrated, peaceful state of mind and body…although I fear being split again by the stories that I am hearing. I have to trust that the Divine will offer me stability…through you, and other supportive people in my life.
My mind is fried today.
Love and Light.
Maggie
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Victim thoughts
Hi Love!
Go ahead and rant. I have known this young woman since she was about 9 or 10, and she has often said she thought she was adopted by the wrong women or that she wants to have a relationship with her mom like I have with my youngest or that she wants to move back up here, near her Dad - who is my friend, and be part of our family. Somehow I have become part of her safe place, her community, even though I don't know if I am good enough, strong enough. I do love her enough, though. That may just be enough.
What is becoming clear for me, when talking to my young friend, and then recalling my marriage, and then our family dynamics, is that once we have identified ourselves as victims, our sanity depends on maintaining that. All of our observations and interpretations about life are analyzed to maintain that. I know what happens when that shatters. It hurts like hell. Not only do we have to look at what happened to us, we have to look at what we have done to others.
Mostly what we have done to others is below the radar screen, so we don't have to even recognize it. Calling kids names, ignoring them, pushing them around. It kills part of their souls, lets them know they are rejected, not loveable, not valued - but, hey, it's normal...
My ex saw the kids once or twice a year, called them every few months. Yet he persists in telling the story of being kicked out and denied his children. He conveniently forgets our mediated agreement that said he could have them whenever he wanted for as long as he wanted. That doesn't fit with his version of reality. He needs to be victim and he needs to surround himself with people who maintain his version.
The same is true for my friend's mother. My friend is calling her mom on her behavior, challenging her worldview and it's becoming obvious that her mom would rather give up her daughter than her story. The story provides too much safety.
I wonder about people like the sexual predator you are counseling. I know it happened to him - whatever he has done to others- it happened to him. He was the victim, and yet he has victimized others to the point of not being able to hide it. So he can't hide behind victim. He has nowhere to hide...
I know we agreed not to tell sibling's stories, but I liked the succinct way you told our brother's story - people get too close, we break it off. It describes a friendship I was in the midst of when the other got angry, I was holding back from closeness, which added to the screwed up dynamics...But you are right. B#4 is a great guy, and he deserves the best. I hope he can find peace within himself.
With Mom - she is blocked by anything sexual. She can't hear it, know it, cope with it. She simply can't.
I love you. I hope you sleep well!
Clare
Go ahead and rant. I have known this young woman since she was about 9 or 10, and she has often said she thought she was adopted by the wrong women or that she wants to have a relationship with her mom like I have with my youngest or that she wants to move back up here, near her Dad - who is my friend, and be part of our family. Somehow I have become part of her safe place, her community, even though I don't know if I am good enough, strong enough. I do love her enough, though. That may just be enough.
What is becoming clear for me, when talking to my young friend, and then recalling my marriage, and then our family dynamics, is that once we have identified ourselves as victims, our sanity depends on maintaining that. All of our observations and interpretations about life are analyzed to maintain that. I know what happens when that shatters. It hurts like hell. Not only do we have to look at what happened to us, we have to look at what we have done to others.
Mostly what we have done to others is below the radar screen, so we don't have to even recognize it. Calling kids names, ignoring them, pushing them around. It kills part of their souls, lets them know they are rejected, not loveable, not valued - but, hey, it's normal...
My ex saw the kids once or twice a year, called them every few months. Yet he persists in telling the story of being kicked out and denied his children. He conveniently forgets our mediated agreement that said he could have them whenever he wanted for as long as he wanted. That doesn't fit with his version of reality. He needs to be victim and he needs to surround himself with people who maintain his version.
The same is true for my friend's mother. My friend is calling her mom on her behavior, challenging her worldview and it's becoming obvious that her mom would rather give up her daughter than her story. The story provides too much safety.
I wonder about people like the sexual predator you are counseling. I know it happened to him - whatever he has done to others- it happened to him. He was the victim, and yet he has victimized others to the point of not being able to hide it. So he can't hide behind victim. He has nowhere to hide...
I know we agreed not to tell sibling's stories, but I liked the succinct way you told our brother's story - people get too close, we break it off. It describes a friendship I was in the midst of when the other got angry, I was holding back from closeness, which added to the screwed up dynamics...But you are right. B#4 is a great guy, and he deserves the best. I hope he can find peace within himself.
With Mom - she is blocked by anything sexual. She can't hear it, know it, cope with it. She simply can't.
I love you. I hope you sleep well!
Clare
Ranting…again
I am glad that you pointed out the connections…
I was able to use that idea as a follow up blog post to last week's…thanks.
My heart breaks for your young friend.
It has taken me a long time to abandon the hope that our mother is going to somehow rise above her own wounds and see the hurt that we all experienced. It just isn't within her.
She, your friend, is going to have to arrive at the realization that her mother is a wounded soul…
unable to bear any more trauma…
even if it vicariously through listening to her own daughter's stories.
I have tried, several times, to tell mom my stories…
she listens and cries…
profusely apologizes…
Mea culpa, mea culpa…
and then asks about the weather.
I've come to understand that she is not callous or ignorant…
she is unable to face the demons that sit within her own past.
She will have to conquer them in another lifetime.
Maybe we will journey together and next time I can help her to fight these demons and triumph…
or maybe next time she will be able to open and listen to the painful trauma stories and feel empathy and compassion. But, I really don't want to come back to this level again.
I sat face to face with a sexual predator last week.
It scared me.
But, I have been placed in a unique situation where I can influence their future behavior. I might be able to stop them from deeply hurting another human being.
I am frightened, because I question my wisdom…
but, if the Divine is putting this at my feet I trust that I will be guided…
I just have to stay open and listen for guidance.
Listening to trauma stories is now my job. Even this predator has his own trauma story. He claims to have no cohesive memories from before he was 10 years old. When I suggested that something must have happened he stone cold, straight faced said, "yeah, I guess something did". When we finally unpack all of that it is going to be grueling. But he's not the only one. Each person that sits opposite me has a story of pain and suffering. It's funny, before I sought counseling and came to peace with my/our story I thought I was so unique…now I realize how common incest and abuse are…one in three…one in three have secrets that are binding them emotionally, physically and spiritually…one in three.
This is a f*%#ing epidemic and we politely let it continue! Generation after generation it continues. Almost every culture has its own "traditions" and it all stems from disconnect to the other…conceptualizing them as property…objects to be used and abused. It makes me so angry.
So, my heart breaks for your young friend. But eventually she will come to realize that there are other people who can consistently be there for her. They can teach her unconditional love and acceptance…if she can find the courage to allow herself to be seen…vulnerable. It's a scary, monumental task.
That's why most traumatized people have such inconsistent relationships…once they get too close we break them off. I am thinking of B#4 and his most recent relationship. Breaking it off when he needs support for his medical issues is classic. He is such a good person though, I wish he could see that he is using escape as an unnecessary protection…and that if he could make that leap of faith and trust his partner…he might just find that lost parent he never had.
Sorry, we aren't supposed to analyze others…forgive me if I overstepped a boundary. I only want good for him…he genuinely is a good person.
Enough of a rant for today.
Love and Light to you and yours,
Maggie
I was able to use that idea as a follow up blog post to last week's…thanks.
My heart breaks for your young friend.
It has taken me a long time to abandon the hope that our mother is going to somehow rise above her own wounds and see the hurt that we all experienced. It just isn't within her.
She, your friend, is going to have to arrive at the realization that her mother is a wounded soul…
unable to bear any more trauma…
even if it vicariously through listening to her own daughter's stories.
I have tried, several times, to tell mom my stories…
she listens and cries…
profusely apologizes…
Mea culpa, mea culpa…
and then asks about the weather.
I've come to understand that she is not callous or ignorant…
she is unable to face the demons that sit within her own past.
She will have to conquer them in another lifetime.
Maybe we will journey together and next time I can help her to fight these demons and triumph…
or maybe next time she will be able to open and listen to the painful trauma stories and feel empathy and compassion. But, I really don't want to come back to this level again.
I sat face to face with a sexual predator last week.
It scared me.
But, I have been placed in a unique situation where I can influence their future behavior. I might be able to stop them from deeply hurting another human being.
I am frightened, because I question my wisdom…
but, if the Divine is putting this at my feet I trust that I will be guided…
I just have to stay open and listen for guidance.
Listening to trauma stories is now my job. Even this predator has his own trauma story. He claims to have no cohesive memories from before he was 10 years old. When I suggested that something must have happened he stone cold, straight faced said, "yeah, I guess something did". When we finally unpack all of that it is going to be grueling. But he's not the only one. Each person that sits opposite me has a story of pain and suffering. It's funny, before I sought counseling and came to peace with my/our story I thought I was so unique…now I realize how common incest and abuse are…one in three…one in three have secrets that are binding them emotionally, physically and spiritually…one in three.
This is a f*%#ing epidemic and we politely let it continue! Generation after generation it continues. Almost every culture has its own "traditions" and it all stems from disconnect to the other…conceptualizing them as property…objects to be used and abused. It makes me so angry.
So, my heart breaks for your young friend. But eventually she will come to realize that there are other people who can consistently be there for her. They can teach her unconditional love and acceptance…if she can find the courage to allow herself to be seen…vulnerable. It's a scary, monumental task.
That's why most traumatized people have such inconsistent relationships…once they get too close we break them off. I am thinking of B#4 and his most recent relationship. Breaking it off when he needs support for his medical issues is classic. He is such a good person though, I wish he could see that he is using escape as an unnecessary protection…and that if he could make that leap of faith and trust his partner…he might just find that lost parent he never had.
Sorry, we aren't supposed to analyze others…forgive me if I overstepped a boundary. I only want good for him…he genuinely is a good person.
Enough of a rant for today.
Love and Light to you and yours,
Maggie
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