It is funny how patterns repeat themselves…
even when we are consciously trying to end them.
The workshop was good, not fabulous. She spent the day on the 4 survival archetypes: child, saboteur, victim and prostitute. She didn't have us pull our archetypes as suggested in the book. 3 of us had already done that when we read it, the fourth person hadn't read the book, but he does a lot of this woman's workshops. I wish I could have refreshed my chart, I could only remember that prostitute had been in my 'highest potential' space on the wheel. We discussed the four archetypes, how they look, both their light and shadow sides, how they reside in your chakras, even how they are affected by your astrological sign. It was interesting, but not extremely coherent. I didn't get a good sense of who I am from that perspective during the workshop. I came to appreciate the light sides of each of the four, at least I was able to identify positive aspects of each…child = self-empowerment, prostitute = integrity, victim = vulnerability, and saboteur = tools for distraction.
She is doing an intro to Shamanism in April if you want to try that one.
I am glad that you are sharing your story with your youngest. She has, at times, idealized her Dad. She seems to really want him to step up and really be a dad. Then she's disappointed when he can't live up to those expectations.
I was responsible for opening exercises this morning for Meeting, representing the environmental concerns committee. I read a piece by Liberty Bailey Hyde, from Ithaca, NY (1849 - 1952) about the relationship of created man to the rest of creation (earth). The last line of the piece was something like, we must accept it all or reject it all…meaning creation and environmental stewardship. A woman spoke late in the hour about relating that line to her inner life…and accepting difficult emotions and circumstances as part of life…or the alternative is to 'check out' emotionally or totally. I spoke with her after and thanked her, because she reminded me that in my dealings with my boys I need to stay present to all of the emotions and issues that arise…to be fully present so that none of us 'checks out'…that's how we will weather this period of time.
It is funny how the message I needed was hidden within my own message, unpacked by another. Meeting is so good sometimes.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Family stuff
I can't wait to hear about the workshop. With the weather we are having, it's a good thing I didn't leave here. We use the woodstove as our primary heat, and with this cold, I have to pay close attention. The wind is making it difficult, blowing across the top of the chimney, forcing smoke back down and into the house. When I woke up this morning, the temperature was in the 50's. When it's that temperature at night in the spring, I sleep with the windows open and love it. The temp is back up, now - but we had a chilly start. Today and tomorrow will be temperate, but on Tuesday we'll have another blast of frigid air.
I think being outside, and using our bodies, is a remedy for many problems - both physical and emotional. I was fighting with depression once, and a close friend said she was getting the feeling that I needed to get outside and walk. She was right, but I have my bad pattern of saving the things that are good for me for until I have done what I have to do. Since I never get through the Have to list, I never take care of myself.
Something to think about when considering living an authentic life.
As part of authentic living, we have begun sitting down at the table for meals - instead of grazing or of watching something while we eat. This morning we were eating breakfast and talking about the Christmas tree - the history of some of the ornaments. My youngest observed that she missed a lot of the family memorabilia. Not many of the ornaments were made for her. We don't have as many baby photos of her as of the older kids. So I started telling her what our life was like when she was a baby. We were struggling for money, her father had just gotten a DWI and we had huge fines and he had to spend weekends in counseling - so we didn't see him much. Mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer...Things were crazy - and that's when I got pregnant. My ex had been working locally for a few months, but went back "home" to work, taking my car. He admitted later he was afraid that if I had a car, I would leave him. So he left me carless for about seven months - I had very few prenatal visits.
She was born into that. He was living with his parents, home on weekends. He refused to go home at night, so he spent as lot of money in bars or eating out. He would come home with little money. So no camera, no little things that make life more fun.
We talked for a while, and she calmly observed that I wasn't much different than her. Maybe my ex never physically abused me or screamed at me, but I had described some obvious psychological and emotional abuse. We talked a little about family patterns and finding the familiar as we make life choices...
Life is dragging me away...
Can't wait to hear about your day!
Love from Clare
I think being outside, and using our bodies, is a remedy for many problems - both physical and emotional. I was fighting with depression once, and a close friend said she was getting the feeling that I needed to get outside and walk. She was right, but I have my bad pattern of saving the things that are good for me for until I have done what I have to do. Since I never get through the Have to list, I never take care of myself.
Something to think about when considering living an authentic life.
As part of authentic living, we have begun sitting down at the table for meals - instead of grazing or of watching something while we eat. This morning we were eating breakfast and talking about the Christmas tree - the history of some of the ornaments. My youngest observed that she missed a lot of the family memorabilia. Not many of the ornaments were made for her. We don't have as many baby photos of her as of the older kids. So I started telling her what our life was like when she was a baby. We were struggling for money, her father had just gotten a DWI and we had huge fines and he had to spend weekends in counseling - so we didn't see him much. Mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer...Things were crazy - and that's when I got pregnant. My ex had been working locally for a few months, but went back "home" to work, taking my car. He admitted later he was afraid that if I had a car, I would leave him. So he left me carless for about seven months - I had very few prenatal visits.
She was born into that. He was living with his parents, home on weekends. He refused to go home at night, so he spent as lot of money in bars or eating out. He would come home with little money. So no camera, no little things that make life more fun.
We talked for a while, and she calmly observed that I wasn't much different than her. Maybe my ex never physically abused me or screamed at me, but I had described some obvious psychological and emotional abuse. We talked a little about family patterns and finding the familiar as we make life choices...
Life is dragging me away...
Can't wait to hear about your day!
Love from Clare
Friday, January 3, 2014
bumps in the road
Just a quick note…
we are going out…
son#1 is going with us.
I still have to go to the workshop alone, but at leaf tonight we can be together.
My strategy is to keep him active, outside…
he seems so much more balanced and calm…
so today I took him to the mountain and let him snowboard for a few hours.
It seems to be working.
So last night I was washing my face and realized our water wasn't getting hot…
I went down to investigate the reason and found that the exhaust pipe from the oil burner had dislodged and the unit shut down…
thank God because we could have been breathing exhaust all day/night…
it took quite a while to reconnect it…
and then I was afraid it would come apart again and we would died of carbon monoxide poisoning…eventually I fell asleep…
this morning husband was snowplowing the driveway…
hit a metal wrench someone had left out and broke the chain…
so my oldest and I went out to shovel at 9 am and at 10 degrees. We were working when she noticed the neighbors having their driveway plowed and went up and asked the gentleman if he would also do ours…
he showed up a few minutes later and helped us out…
what a good neighbor.
Can this holiday season have any more "bumps in the road"?
I am calm and handling everything so far…that is good.
I will let you know about the workshop when I return.
Love and Light.
Maggie
we are going out…
son#1 is going with us.
I still have to go to the workshop alone, but at leaf tonight we can be together.
My strategy is to keep him active, outside…
he seems so much more balanced and calm…
so today I took him to the mountain and let him snowboard for a few hours.
It seems to be working.
So last night I was washing my face and realized our water wasn't getting hot…
I went down to investigate the reason and found that the exhaust pipe from the oil burner had dislodged and the unit shut down…
thank God because we could have been breathing exhaust all day/night…
it took quite a while to reconnect it…
and then I was afraid it would come apart again and we would died of carbon monoxide poisoning…eventually I fell asleep…
this morning husband was snowplowing the driveway…
hit a metal wrench someone had left out and broke the chain…
so my oldest and I went out to shovel at 9 am and at 10 degrees. We were working when she noticed the neighbors having their driveway plowed and went up and asked the gentleman if he would also do ours…
he showed up a few minutes later and helped us out…
what a good neighbor.
Can this holiday season have any more "bumps in the road"?
I am calm and handling everything so far…that is good.
I will let you know about the workshop when I return.
Love and Light.
Maggie
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Swirling thoughts...
Congratulations on having the guts to go get him and bring him home. That is exactly what I would have done - and did do to my children. My neighbor's son was acting out and refusing to obey, and she called me because he was somewhere she had expressly forbid him to go. I told her to go get him. I suggested she just walk in and embarrass him and take him home. She said she could never do that, and so he got to do whatever he wanted to do.
My oldest was at an older boy's home when the parents were not home, after I explicitly said that was not okay. I knocked on the door. When the young man answered the door, I explained what had happened, what the rules were, and told him my child had to leave with me. I think that is how my children learned to negotiate with me.
You had the strength to walk in and say that he will follow family rules.
I noticed that he created another drama. In a way, you nipped the drama in the bud by finding him and bringing him home. Now the drama continues, because he has you fully engaged, and trapped. He will run if you relax. If he is like the rest of us in the family, he is deep inside his head, going over and over how unfair life is, exalting his inner victim.
You are allowed to have weekend plans. It's okay to be disappointed. Just a thought - take him to the workshop...do you think he would be civil in public?
I think the longer you are able to sit with the discomfort, the more you model it - it gets through somehow. And maybe you are changing your genetics - just like happened to us when we were abused. And maybe that change is intergenerational. As you do for yourself, so happens for the family.
Maybe...
I have been eating wheat, which I know is bad for me, and some sugar, which is deadly. Instead of ignoring myself, pretending it is not happening, or beating myself up, I am acknowledging what I am doing - calmly, unemotionally. Maybe this will change me - awareness without condemnation.
Back to your post - How far are you willing to go with your son? It seems some kind of intervention might be a good idea...And maybe some kind of volunteer work with people who need him, to pull him out of the victim cycle, to let him know he is not alone in facing a terrifying, sometimes sad and lonely world.
Upon rereading, you said: But, if I can maintain a sense of balance and resolve…
Are you being supermama? Why does this fall just to you? Who else is involved that you should be letting in? Who else should be involved that you should be inviting in? Is this part of your fear of letting others take care of them - like you described when they were young? or of letting someone take care of you? Or see you are not perfect?
Your garbage is welcome at my door. I love you. I accept you. I will stand with you. I will help you clean it up if there is anything at all I can do.
I love you always,
Clare
-I was just rereading your post, then my post, and I had one of those realizations that may be on target, or I may just be blathering. You decide...
When I went to Al-Anon, we were told over and over - You can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself. But as you change, your relationships will change.
You have been changing. During this time we have been writing to and for each other, you have definitely changed. That changes the dynamics in your family. Is your son acting out to maintain the former culture of the family? Is he afraid of the changes, of the new vulnerability?
Just a thought...
My oldest was at an older boy's home when the parents were not home, after I explicitly said that was not okay. I knocked on the door. When the young man answered the door, I explained what had happened, what the rules were, and told him my child had to leave with me. I think that is how my children learned to negotiate with me.
You had the strength to walk in and say that he will follow family rules.
I noticed that he created another drama. In a way, you nipped the drama in the bud by finding him and bringing him home. Now the drama continues, because he has you fully engaged, and trapped. He will run if you relax. If he is like the rest of us in the family, he is deep inside his head, going over and over how unfair life is, exalting his inner victim.
You are allowed to have weekend plans. It's okay to be disappointed. Just a thought - take him to the workshop...do you think he would be civil in public?
I think the longer you are able to sit with the discomfort, the more you model it - it gets through somehow. And maybe you are changing your genetics - just like happened to us when we were abused. And maybe that change is intergenerational. As you do for yourself, so happens for the family.
Maybe...
I have been eating wheat, which I know is bad for me, and some sugar, which is deadly. Instead of ignoring myself, pretending it is not happening, or beating myself up, I am acknowledging what I am doing - calmly, unemotionally. Maybe this will change me - awareness without condemnation.
Back to your post - How far are you willing to go with your son? It seems some kind of intervention might be a good idea...And maybe some kind of volunteer work with people who need him, to pull him out of the victim cycle, to let him know he is not alone in facing a terrifying, sometimes sad and lonely world.
Upon rereading, you said: But, if I can maintain a sense of balance and resolve…
Are you being supermama? Why does this fall just to you? Who else is involved that you should be letting in? Who else should be involved that you should be inviting in? Is this part of your fear of letting others take care of them - like you described when they were young? or of letting someone take care of you? Or see you are not perfect?
Your garbage is welcome at my door. I love you. I accept you. I will stand with you. I will help you clean it up if there is anything at all I can do.
I love you always,
Clare
-I was just rereading your post, then my post, and I had one of those realizations that may be on target, or I may just be blathering. You decide...
When I went to Al-Anon, we were told over and over - You can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself. But as you change, your relationships will change.
You have been changing. During this time we have been writing to and for each other, you have definitely changed. That changes the dynamics in your family. Is your son acting out to maintain the former culture of the family? Is he afraid of the changes, of the new vulnerability?
Just a thought...
a silver lining to the garbage
My life is a roller coaster this week.
I can't remember where I left off on my holiday saga…
but to catch you up…
son#1 disappeared on New Years Eve during a 15 minute period when we were all out…
he would respond that he was OK but not coming home to text messages…
but refused to answer our calls.
I spoke with his closest friend's and their parents and no one knew where he was…
this went on until 10 pm New Years day/night…
then I got angry enough to go look for him….
luckily someone gave me a location and husband and I went to retrieve him…
he was so angry…
wouldn't speak…
which is good because I didn't want to their his rationalizing…
he took a shower and went to bed.
He was quiet before school…
more talkative after school…
and now is playing on the four-wheeler in the snow…
this volatility is making me so unsure of myself.
He still hasn't said that he is sorry…just that he doesn't understand what the big deal is about smoking pot…he forgets the lying, stealing, littering, etc…
I called to make him an appointment with a psychiatrist today…I don't want to medicate him…but am not sure what other options we have.
He admits that he's medicating himself.
So I slept on the couch for the send time in a week…because he was a flight risk…and feel like I am 90 years old today…This is going to sound really selfish but he's screwing up my weekend plans! I am willing to change plans…his safety is worth that…but- I don't think we can meet friends for dinner on Friday evening because he can't be left alone…and there's no way that we can both attend that workshop because he needs to be watched…the girls suggest getting a babysitter…I told them that in this instance it would have to be a probation officer…imagine explaining to someone why a 17 year old needs a babysitter.
There is a silver lining in all of this…my 'authentic' moment…During the tension I was able to stay with the uncomfortable feelings…not escape into my head with my computer or distract myself with something mindless…I made myself hold him in the Light…thought about channeling goodness and positive energy to him…it was a difficult experience…but it was better than worry…and better than distraction…
I am worried about him…and how all of us are being affected but his behavior and volatility. But, if I can maintain a sense of balance and resolve…maybe we can all learn and grow from this.
By the way…daughter#1 caught me stress eating gummy snacks and called me out on it…so much for authentic eating…but it made me more aware.
Sorry to keep dumping my garbage at your door.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I can't remember where I left off on my holiday saga…
but to catch you up…
son#1 disappeared on New Years Eve during a 15 minute period when we were all out…
he would respond that he was OK but not coming home to text messages…
but refused to answer our calls.
I spoke with his closest friend's and their parents and no one knew where he was…
this went on until 10 pm New Years day/night…
then I got angry enough to go look for him….
luckily someone gave me a location and husband and I went to retrieve him…
he was so angry…
wouldn't speak…
which is good because I didn't want to their his rationalizing…
he took a shower and went to bed.
He was quiet before school…
more talkative after school…
and now is playing on the four-wheeler in the snow…
this volatility is making me so unsure of myself.
He still hasn't said that he is sorry…just that he doesn't understand what the big deal is about smoking pot…he forgets the lying, stealing, littering, etc…
I called to make him an appointment with a psychiatrist today…I don't want to medicate him…but am not sure what other options we have.
He admits that he's medicating himself.
So I slept on the couch for the send time in a week…because he was a flight risk…and feel like I am 90 years old today…This is going to sound really selfish but he's screwing up my weekend plans! I am willing to change plans…his safety is worth that…but- I don't think we can meet friends for dinner on Friday evening because he can't be left alone…and there's no way that we can both attend that workshop because he needs to be watched…the girls suggest getting a babysitter…I told them that in this instance it would have to be a probation officer…imagine explaining to someone why a 17 year old needs a babysitter.
There is a silver lining in all of this…my 'authentic' moment…During the tension I was able to stay with the uncomfortable feelings…not escape into my head with my computer or distract myself with something mindless…I made myself hold him in the Light…thought about channeling goodness and positive energy to him…it was a difficult experience…but it was better than worry…and better than distraction…
I am worried about him…and how all of us are being affected but his behavior and volatility. But, if I can maintain a sense of balance and resolve…maybe we can all learn and grow from this.
By the way…daughter#1 caught me stress eating gummy snacks and called me out on it…so much for authentic eating…but it made me more aware.
Sorry to keep dumping my garbage at your door.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
It begins today
Authentic sort of begins today. We had these left-over yogurt covered pretzels that I got into this morning. I finally asked my daughter to get rid of them, to put them in her car or something so I couldn't keep picking at them. I was not hungry, so eating was not an authentic activity. Maybe not off to a perfect start, but I'm off to an aware start!
And so it begins.
I still don't know exactly what it means to be authentic, but I'm willing to explore.
I am worried about your oldest son. I don't have any advice, just a shoulder and an ear, and lots of love and Light. But he is really striking out. There is definitely something scary/painful inside of him. What is his relationship with his father?
I liked your realization that your family and your daughter's boyfriend's family are each battling a type of cancer - an all-consuming growth is sapping your vitality. But you are right. We aren't given more than we can handle. Has your healer explored any of your past lives, especially with your older son? That might be eye-opening, and provide a leading.
All I know is that you are wise, and you love those boys passionately. Love will win in the end.
I am so happy that you turn to me, that I am on the inside. It makes me feel warm, and like I have a family. It also helps me realize that some of what mine did as teenagers was difficult, and I can assure you - it passes. They tend to find themselves and settle down. Some take longer than others, and we have to worry until that happens!
I had an 'experience' two nights ago. Grammy sat on the bed, beside me. She was like she was near the end of her life - short and sweet. This year I will be the age she was when she had her first heart attack. I am strongly aware that I have to take better care of myself. I have not really recovered my lifestyle or activity level since before I broke my wrist. So I have a job to do - find my strength!
I hope you are having a good day, and that this is the beginning of a magical year...
Lots of love from Clare
And so it begins.
I still don't know exactly what it means to be authentic, but I'm willing to explore.
I am worried about your oldest son. I don't have any advice, just a shoulder and an ear, and lots of love and Light. But he is really striking out. There is definitely something scary/painful inside of him. What is his relationship with his father?
I liked your realization that your family and your daughter's boyfriend's family are each battling a type of cancer - an all-consuming growth is sapping your vitality. But you are right. We aren't given more than we can handle. Has your healer explored any of your past lives, especially with your older son? That might be eye-opening, and provide a leading.
All I know is that you are wise, and you love those boys passionately. Love will win in the end.
I am so happy that you turn to me, that I am on the inside. It makes me feel warm, and like I have a family. It also helps me realize that some of what mine did as teenagers was difficult, and I can assure you - it passes. They tend to find themselves and settle down. Some take longer than others, and we have to worry until that happens!
I had an 'experience' two nights ago. Grammy sat on the bed, beside me. She was like she was near the end of her life - short and sweet. This year I will be the age she was when she had her first heart attack. I am strongly aware that I have to take better care of myself. I have not really recovered my lifestyle or activity level since before I broke my wrist. So I have a job to do - find my strength!
I hope you are having a good day, and that this is the beginning of a magical year...
Lots of love from Clare
Enough
So, authentic begins today.
It begins with surrender to my plans and opening to the goodness of the universe.
This has been a hell of a week. I had to go to the office yesterday and them to the Reiki healer…so I was gone for about 5 hours. I got a text as I left the healer's home that son#1 had left, despite being grounded. he would communicate by text, but not answer the calls. I had just been speaking with my healer about him, and his current issues, and she offered to send positive energy his way.
Anyway, I am concerned enough about him…
and his fascination with evil…
that I painted his walls last night while he was MIA.
Let me explain…
He has doodled, in sharpie, certain phrases and images that he insists are jokes, but make me uncomfortable…
like an up-side-down cross…
so I painted over everything.
It took hours…but it was quite cathartic.
This morning, while I was meditating, I had the image of the Israelite slaves in Egypt at the passover, marking their doors with the blood of the lamb…
I am not into sacrifice, but decided to mimic that in my own way. I went back to the can of paint and wrote words on his walls…
words like: Love, Light, God, Buddha, Krishna, Allah, Joy, Peace, Shalom and over his door I wrote GOOD…only good can enter.
I don't know what else to do to help him right now.
I had a very intense conversation with my youngest who couldn't understand why we were holding him to his grounding when his brother was able to sneak out…
he can't understand why he's not getting time off for good behavior!!!
He threatened to run away too…
accused me of being too protective…
told me he's going to smoke pot and drink no matter what…
He told me to stop being such a good parent…
he wants freedom not caring!
I lost it and through tears told him that I care because I wasn't cared for…
I was molested from the time I was 3, beaten up, yelled at, ignored unless someone wanted something from me…no one came to my plays, concerts, swim meets, it was all a nuisance…I was a nuisance.
I went to my room and cried…again.
I have cried so much this holiday week.
I am grateful that my oldest was here to support me…
she has been so good through all of this.
She has this drama going on at our house with the boys pushing to get away at the same time that her boyfriend's mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her family is rallying around her, writing letters about how much she means to them.
I actually said to her last night that I am envious of her boyfriend's mother, because at least she knows how much her family cares.
This morning, through meditation and journaling, I realized that I am being offered the same opportunity and lesson as she is, in a different form. I am being asked to handle something larger than my capabilities, ask for help from humans and the divine and accept help. To surrender and open to the guidance of the universe, rather than my own head.
Big lessons.
Thanks for being here, to listen and share. It feels good to have an outlet for all of this. I no longer isolate…I turn to you…and others…but consistently to you…Thank you.
I wish you a 2014 full of enough…enough of what you need and want.
Love and Light,
Maggie
It begins with surrender to my plans and opening to the goodness of the universe.
This has been a hell of a week. I had to go to the office yesterday and them to the Reiki healer…so I was gone for about 5 hours. I got a text as I left the healer's home that son#1 had left, despite being grounded. he would communicate by text, but not answer the calls. I had just been speaking with my healer about him, and his current issues, and she offered to send positive energy his way.
Anyway, I am concerned enough about him…
and his fascination with evil…
that I painted his walls last night while he was MIA.
Let me explain…
He has doodled, in sharpie, certain phrases and images that he insists are jokes, but make me uncomfortable…
like an up-side-down cross…
so I painted over everything.
It took hours…but it was quite cathartic.
This morning, while I was meditating, I had the image of the Israelite slaves in Egypt at the passover, marking their doors with the blood of the lamb…
I am not into sacrifice, but decided to mimic that in my own way. I went back to the can of paint and wrote words on his walls…
words like: Love, Light, God, Buddha, Krishna, Allah, Joy, Peace, Shalom and over his door I wrote GOOD…only good can enter.
I don't know what else to do to help him right now.
I had a very intense conversation with my youngest who couldn't understand why we were holding him to his grounding when his brother was able to sneak out…
he can't understand why he's not getting time off for good behavior!!!
He threatened to run away too…
accused me of being too protective…
told me he's going to smoke pot and drink no matter what…
He told me to stop being such a good parent…
he wants freedom not caring!
I lost it and through tears told him that I care because I wasn't cared for…
I was molested from the time I was 3, beaten up, yelled at, ignored unless someone wanted something from me…no one came to my plays, concerts, swim meets, it was all a nuisance…I was a nuisance.
I went to my room and cried…again.
I have cried so much this holiday week.
I am grateful that my oldest was here to support me…
she has been so good through all of this.
She has this drama going on at our house with the boys pushing to get away at the same time that her boyfriend's mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her family is rallying around her, writing letters about how much she means to them.
I actually said to her last night that I am envious of her boyfriend's mother, because at least she knows how much her family cares.
This morning, through meditation and journaling, I realized that I am being offered the same opportunity and lesson as she is, in a different form. I am being asked to handle something larger than my capabilities, ask for help from humans and the divine and accept help. To surrender and open to the guidance of the universe, rather than my own head.
Big lessons.
Thanks for being here, to listen and share. It feels good to have an outlet for all of this. I no longer isolate…I turn to you…and others…but consistently to you…Thank you.
I wish you a 2014 full of enough…enough of what you need and want.
Love and Light,
Maggie
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