classically conditioned

And last night I dreamed of a parade of victims. Occasionally someone would stop and hug a rescuer in the crowd along the street.

Hey Maggie!

You seem to be really exhausted.  Are you ready for the holidays?  Do you think you'll be able to get through them?  I'm emotionally preparing.  It is never easy, but I always have that inner little girl who thinks this year will be magic.

Actually I released all of that expectation, about everything, years ago. I get ready for the holidays, as much as I can, then - whatever happens is okay.

I continue to struggle with the book.  But the friend who is living here now encouraged me to get a big piece of poster board.  I did it, and have been writing ideas and drawing bubbles and lines...it is percolating.  And I think the dreams tie in.

I introduced her to Brene last night. We watched both of her TED talks.  I knew I needed to see them again.

And I am doing the shame thing.  I am waiting until I am okay, until I am good enough, before I move forward. 

My oldest has excellent insurance, and opted to go for the genetic testing for our family mutation.  She said she is doing it for me.  I think she is also doing it because her inner scientist wants to know.  They were surprised that we have it, because they said it is a Finnish thing.  I reminded her that Grammy was Saami.  The interesting thing is that there is also something about Saami that resists HIV.

I went to youtube last night to listen to Saami people.  I was wondering if it would sound "right".  I'm not sure if it was at all familiar.

And I was looking at the Mayflower story, I guess because of Thanksgiving.  So far I have identified 5 of our ancestors on the voyage.  Three of them are a mother-father-daughter triad.  The parents did not survive.

I have decided to celebrate Thanksgiving as it was originally intended - as a harvest festival.  Agrarian people have done this ever since they began farming. It is human nature to celebrate, and so there was the feast once the hard work of preserving, storing, and butchering were done for the winter. And so we continue with this preChristian tradition.

And Thanksgiving is followed by Buy-Nothing Day, another favorite!  It is the day to think about Christmas, and how we would like to celebrate, rather than to be led like slobbering idiots by the big box stores.

I have been thinking about Pavlov's dog and classical conditioning a lot lately.  every time I see someone respond to their phone - the dog is salivating.  Every time we follow cultural commands - go fight to be the first into Walmart - salivation.  We are so well trained!

And so I will take my jaded self to dinner.

Love and hugs from Clare