balance

Hey Maggie,

I completely understand the way genetics works.  And thanks for the offer.  I think I'll wait and see what my daughter's doc says.  For some reason, I am not worried. You and S#4 were both sure you had the mutation - and breast cancer, and both of you were correct. Sometimes I think we are more connected to our bodies, our truths than we suspect.

The book is developing.  Not much on paper lately, but I am getting it. I wish I actually had time to write.  But I think when I am ready to push, I won't be able to stop. It will be like all my other birthing experiences!  I still don't want to out us, but I guess I will.

I think.

The internet went down here for a few hours today.  I missed 2.5 hours of work.  That will be a bit of a hit, because I took two days off for Thanksgiving.  But what was worse?  funnier?  was that I felt like a bad girl.  I knew I was supposed to be working, and I wasn't. I felt incredibly guilty.  I think I am a bit more OCD about work that I have ever realized!

Lots going on, but not mine to discuss...and so I will follow up on the two men chiding me for being an awful woman..  And I find I don't care. It was topped this weekend by two young people who were friends with my kids when teens.  Both told me how much of a positive impact I had on their lives.  I was so touched.

Balance!

Love and hugs from Clare

crazy dreams

Clare,
I appreciate your oldest's willingness to have her genetic testing, but it only answers the question, Does she carry the mutation? If you carry the CHEK2 then each of your children have a 50% chance of having it...
that means that all could carry it- or none could carry it-but each has a 50/50 chance of having inherited it...
But, dear sister, you should have the testing. If you are negative none have to worry about it. If you choose to go ahead with the testing I will pay for it...just an offer...no pressure.

So, I am exhausted and in pain...
my feet are killing me. The orthotics that take the pressure off my sprained ankle and heave allowed that to heal are causing a lot of pressure on my metatarsal heads...
I cannot believe how painful this is.
NSAIDS- like ibuprofen- cause serious GI upset.
I've tried topical...
ice...
copper sleeves...
you name it...
but, no relief.
So I tried CBD...
And have been having less pain, but really vivid dreams...
crazy, animated-like dreams...
people being killed...
I had to stop...
I was being awakened by my crazy dreams multiple times each night...
hence more exhaustion.

Disappointing news- my teen parenting classroom pilot has been denied by the state for funding. Now, I've got to find another funding source.
You write your book and I'll dig up money.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

classically conditioned

And last night I dreamed of a parade of victims. Occasionally someone would stop and hug a rescuer in the crowd along the street.

Hey Maggie!

You seem to be really exhausted.  Are you ready for the holidays?  Do you think you'll be able to get through them?  I'm emotionally preparing.  It is never easy, but I always have that inner little girl who thinks this year will be magic.

Actually I released all of that expectation, about everything, years ago. I get ready for the holidays, as much as I can, then - whatever happens is okay.

I continue to struggle with the book.  But the friend who is living here now encouraged me to get a big piece of poster board.  I did it, and have been writing ideas and drawing bubbles and lines...it is percolating.  And I think the dreams tie in.

I introduced her to Brene last night. We watched both of her TED talks.  I knew I needed to see them again.

And I am doing the shame thing.  I am waiting until I am okay, until I am good enough, before I move forward. 

My oldest has excellent insurance, and opted to go for the genetic testing for our family mutation.  She said she is doing it for me.  I think she is also doing it because her inner scientist wants to know.  They were surprised that we have it, because they said it is a Finnish thing.  I reminded her that Grammy was Saami.  The interesting thing is that there is also something about Saami that resists HIV.

I went to youtube last night to listen to Saami people.  I was wondering if it would sound "right".  I'm not sure if it was at all familiar.

And I was looking at the Mayflower story, I guess because of Thanksgiving.  So far I have identified 5 of our ancestors on the voyage.  Three of them are a mother-father-daughter triad.  The parents did not survive.

I have decided to celebrate Thanksgiving as it was originally intended - as a harvest festival.  Agrarian people have done this ever since they began farming. It is human nature to celebrate, and so there was the feast once the hard work of preserving, storing, and butchering were done for the winter. And so we continue with this preChristian tradition.

And Thanksgiving is followed by Buy-Nothing Day, another favorite!  It is the day to think about Christmas, and how we would like to celebrate, rather than to be led like slobbering idiots by the big box stores.

I have been thinking about Pavlov's dog and classical conditioning a lot lately.  every time I see someone respond to their phone - the dog is salivating.  Every time we follow cultural commands - go fight to be the first into Walmart - salivation.  We are so well trained!

And so I will take my jaded self to dinner.

Love and hugs from Clare

trial

Claire,

Strange dreams...
but you are protecting the youngest, most vulnerable...
that is good.

The meeting went well. He validated my interpersonal conflicts with my co-worker...
Me Too moment.
But I still have to deal with the stress regularly. I did request a lap top to be able to work remotely. I need to be in my home space more than I've been this year. It's confusing how much I like and admire this co-worker, but how frustrating I find interactions with her.
She is 15 years older than I am...
I feel as if I will be a perpetual child...
never be allowed to mature...
But- I am mature.
I am confident.
I am competent.
I just have a different approach and manner.

Sometimes I want to quit and stay home, read, walk, garden, and cook.
So much for being a change-maker, feminist, trendsetter.
Do you ever wonder if your education was a waste?
That thought keeps me working...
It all means something and can certainly help others.

I went to a program on Moral Injury last Thursday...
the discussion was about veterans and their mental health issues after returning from deployment. The author and producers feel that the issue isn't PTSD, but moral injury. Witnessing, not helping, performing acts that go against your soul's moral compass, against your deepest sense of right and wrong...
that's the struggle to re-enter the real world...
And how difficult it is to cope with the memories of what you did, or failed to do.
It feels right...
more right than PTSD.

I am exhausted...
too tired to remember my dreams.
I hate being this tired.
I started a trial of CBD oil...
30 days to see if it helps my mood, my foot pain, what ever...
I will let you know.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

dreaming like crazy

Hi Maggie,

Good luck with your meeting.  I hope you find words your manager can hear.  I hope you find balance.

I am back in a dreaming phase. Right before we left the farm and moved here, I dreamed I was in school. For months I attended classes.  I except for the university.t seems to be happening again.

Last night I spent a lot of time on a small urban university campus.  I can only find the library.  I get lost going everywhere else.  I left the library and started walking toward town, but everything was dark.  The whole town was in a blackout.  I found my youngest granddaughter, and stayed with her, waiting for her mom to get us.

Then I slipped to a different time/place.  I saw B#1 take my youngest granddaughter into my chicken house.  I followed him and saw him put her on the floor and climb on top of her. I came from behind.  He was wearing loose blue briefs, and I could see his scrotum - because the shorts were so loose. I walked up, leaned over, and said...You get your penis away from her.  He got up and ran.

Then I was back in school.  I was in class where we were being given bits of information and had to solve mysteries.  But there wasn't enough room for all of the classes, so we had to make room for a class, then a painting class, so we were squeezed in.

It has been interesting!!

Love and hugs from Clare

need peace

Claire,

I am still fighting a cold...
typical for this time of year.
I'm so glad it is Friday...
work is incredibly demanding. My board chair/boss wants to meet next week to discuss the job...
good and bad...
I cannot even figure out what to talk about. It's about lack of balance...
running full speed most of the time.
I'm not sure I'm doing what I am supposed to be because it is so hectic. I want to be able to breathe and enjoy some time with people.
Listen to them...
hear what they have to say...
Learn from them...
be present.
Instead I am jotting notes about other things that pop into my head when someone else speaks.

I'm still trying to get new floor in my house- since August...
I'm living with minimal furniture and nothing where it belongs...
waiting on someone else's schedule...
mine doesn't matter to them.

I'm tired...
unbalanced...
needing some internal peace...
That's how I am at this point.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

forward...

Hi Maggie,

I am glad you are home.  It sounds like you are centered. Being there helps make you strong.

This summer - I don't think either one of us thought we were going to become a couple.  Too many red flags.  And too much of being more like best friends.  All of this anger and meanness is actually a glorious temper tantrum.  There is too much to go into here, but we react differently.  I am expected to be submissive and do whatever I can to make sure he likes me.  It bothers me that the friendship is ending, because we have been talking for about 5 years.  And I appreciate his intelligence and his worldview.  We have had some amazing conversations.  But I would not want to be in love with this guy.  It would be painful.

So I have been stymied on the book...going in circles...not finding way.

Then as I was reading Smithsonian, I got a glimpse.  There is an article,  Theater of War. A man named Bryan Doerries is using the Greek tragedies to create an opening for vets and others to reach that emotional point where healing can begin.

He said,  "Through tragedy, the great Athenian poets were not articulating a pessimistic or fatalistic view of human experience; nor were they bent on filling audiences with despair.  Instead, they were giving voice to timeless human experiences - of suffering and of grief - that, when viewed by a large audience that had shared those experiences, fostered compassion, understanding, and a deeply felt interconnection. Through tragedy, the Greeks faced the darkness of human existence as a community."

I don't want to write about bad things that happened to us, look how screwed up we are.  I want to shine the light in the swamp. Maybe then we can see who all is in their with us, and all help each other out. And then, together, we can shine the light and make sure no one else gets pulled into the muck and believes they deserve to be there.

I saw a headline recently that said that lack of connection is the root of all addiction.  I want to create connection.

So what I am going to do is mine this blog.  I am going to copy/paste some of my writing into Dreams or Aha!  or whatever.  It may help me think about which way to go...

I love you.  I hope you are feeling better and maintaining better...

Love and hugs from Clare

sabotage

Clare,

I'm back from the island.
Before I left, I completed the 5 K that I organized for my work...
I had some great support on the day of the race...
but carried much of the organizational responsibilities myself.
I became ill the day of the race.
I slept 3.5 of the 6 days I was on the island.
I decided at one point that I needed to see a doctor...
but the clinic on the island closed- so I gutted it out.
I am fine...at least healing.

I am confused about your summer visitor.
Did he come over with expectations of becoming a couple?
What were his expectations?
What were yours?
Is he so cruel because you didn't reciprocate?
Humans are kind until they are hurt...
then they strike out at you.

I am trading water at work. I cannot keep up the pace that I've been maintaining since the spring. Part of me wants to go back to part-time...
I need time for me.
I miss walking, yoga, meditation, crafting, reading, playing.
I have a meeting with my board chair soon, I am trying to decide what I want from all of this.
My co-worker, former boss, makes the office very "prickly" when I get attention she used to receive. I hate walking on egg shells when her nose gets bent out of shape. I hate dramatics.
I also have not yet figured out how to assert myself as the "executive director" because she maintains the role- minus the administrative bull that goes along with it. I am her secretary as well as my own, do the office bills and banking, I am a 'wife'.
I need a wife.
Part of me wants to just quit...
I think that's a direct sabotage of some potentially good work...
but it is honest.

I am going to try to be more disciplined with my habits...
yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging...
most have gone by the wayside because of my puppy.
He has needed a lot of time and attention, particularly in the morning...
but he's getting less needed...
and it's getting darker and cold in the morning.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

endings

Hey Sister,

Hope  you had fun on the island. I hope you had a chance to breathe and watch sunsets and walk in the sand.

Life has been much the same here.  My friend who visited this summer and I have had a total breach, I think.  He decided I am abusive, sadistic, a pathological mom, I drove Dad and my ex away because I am so bad, and my closest friend doesn't really like me, she just sees me as a therapy case.  His cruelty has escalated because I would not get him the contact info for a woman he found attractive. I can't tell if he has hurt me or not, because I know he is way off base. And I feel exceedingly nothing.  But all that abuse has to be doing something to me.

I tried to call him on his cruelty and he told me I am a hypocrite.  And so I am done.  I don't need this drama in my life.

I feel good about my boundaries, and I feel extremely uninterested in making him like me.

But it has been hard.

I had a moment, though, where I was sitting at a table with him and a few others...in my imagination.  I guess we were between lives, and talking about our lessons from this life.  And he and I were laughing, as I congratulated him on how well he played mean during this lesson.  I was reminded again that we are playing roles, and learning our lessons.

I had a "dream" last night where a large man was behind me and tried to pull me inside his body.  That sounds strange. It was strange.  It was like he picked me up against his rib cage and popped me inside.  I popped myself back out, turned around and looked at him, and said, "That's not the way this is going to work.  We are going to dance."

And we did...not well at all...but we danced.

So what's up with you?

Love and hugs from Clare