Again, what are you looking for?

clare,
This is going to sound cliche, but being selfish is a virtue...
and it's not self-centered.

If you truly believe that the Divine Light is in all things...
why do you extinguish yours for the sake of others?

Martyrdom isn't self-sacrifice...
it's suicide that you can blame on some one else.

It is time to write...
It is time to contemplate...
It is time to love all the broken pieces that make you unique.

Putting it off is making it much harder. The shell gets thicker as we struggle against cracking it open. Do you want to be as closed down as Papa was?
Is that the role model you want to follow?
You have every reason to hide- Life sucked...
but now...
here and now you can choose to open.
Circumcision of the heart.

Again, what are you looking for...
eros?
philos?
agape?
They are all love...
but in very different expressions.

Find you and you get all 3.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Not DQ!

Hi Maggie,


Honestly, I am not being a drama queen.  I am not looking for declarations of love...although love is always welcome.  I am quietly, thoughtfully poking at myself, noticing, trying to understand.

What do I want?

I want to be less prickly. I want to be softer, warmer.  I am kind and giving. I am an excellent listener. But I am not one of those people who is noticed for a long, long time.  I want to be loving and open and available.

I want to be less guarded.

I think this is the point I am poking.  I have been damaged by childhood crap, by criticism, by criticizing.  I have learned to hide because I was the new kid every year, except one, until 9th grade.  I have learned not to show emotion.  I have learned to watch people, to blend, to hide...

Hmmmm, maybe what I am getting at is that I am not authentic.

And because of life events, I don't even know where or what that is.  Or if it even exists anymore...

Maybe the love I want is where I find me, recognize me, value me...love myself.

Seems a bit far-fetched though. I have too many other things on the list...things to accomplish.

And when I am being self-centered, I hurt other people. I fail to be available...

Life is a paradox.

Love and hugs,

Clare

what are you searching for?

Clare,
You are lovable...
I LOVE YOU.

eros, philos, agape...
what are you searching for?

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

cactus days

Hey Maggs...

So when my friend was here, we were talking about people, about relationships. He suddenly asked why I see everything as violent. I described most failed relationships as involving some sort of violence. So he wanted to know what the sort was...emotional, physical, psychological.

But I did wonder if I identify and/or define everything as violence.  Or is it that I am sensitive to violence, and people let me see into their lives...people are willing to show the violence that permeates...us.

Then I wondered if I am just too prickly.

I feel like a cactus...all soft and fluid on the inside, but it takes a lot of hard work to get there.  I'm all tough and covered with spines.

And I thought about the reading from your healer.  In evey lifetime I sit aside and analyze...

Which led me to...am I even loveable?

So that is where I am today. A sort of twaddling mess of I didn't sleep, although I fought to sleep...exhaustion questioning the merits of myself.

But I did plan the book...I need time, but I know what to write.

Love and hugs from Clare

Just a day...

Welcome home...and I am so happy you came home to joy!  Congratulations, to you Mama, and to my lovely niece.

I had a wise friend, he died almost two years ago. He said that when the Europeans set foot here, a squirrel could travel from the Atlantic to the Mississippi without touching the ground.  The tree canopy was so dense, so contiguous. We are a forest species who fears the forest and so we try to conquer.

One of my favorite author/activists, Derick Jensen, says that once a forest has been clear cut three times, it will not return. Most of the Earth was once forested. Now I can think of so many places stripped and raped in the name of...wiping our butts, maybe.

I think you know I have chickens...all named Cinderella by my granddaughter.  Tonight I had to put them to bed alone. I chased them for about 45 minutes.  I haven't had such an effective aerobic workout for years.  I got mad, called them some unFriendly names, came inside and priced fencing!  There were 6 who just wouldn't cooperate.  I kept them moving so they wouldn't think staying up past their bedtime was a big treat.  I finally got 5 in. Then there was the last one. I came inside until almost dark.  I went back out and he was patiently waiting for me, siting on the ground right in front of the door.  I reached down, picked him up, looked him in the eye and told him he was a big a**hole, and put him to bed.

I'm a real farmer!

I am glad your youngest is settled.  I hope he finds himself at school. I remember when I went to university, I was able to reinvent myself. I was much happier there than I had ever been at home...

Today was the eclipse. I am wondering what it brings.  They all have been so potent for the past few years. 

I remain open...I'll let you know what comes!

Love and hugs from Clare

I cannot imagine

Clare,
I am back. We returned yesterday...
knowing our oldest was going to be proposed to.
So instead of settling into home we continued the party/vacation.
My daughter is thrilled to be taking the next step with her love. We are happy to see them so content.
My family was gathered, except for the youngest, as was my future S-I-L's family (munis their youngest). It was a really special time for all of us.

Today was a day for cleaning, laundry, mowing...trying to get reconnected with home.
My puppy is back. He is asleep at my feet, exhausted from a week with his brother and nonstop romping.

My trip was long, eye opening, and exhaustingly invigorating. I slept in a different city/state most nights and many did not know where that would be until we all got tired. We had some wonderful times and made memories along the way. Both of my sons drove west with me. The older agreed to come along to help with driving and to find a little adventure. He was wonderful company. It is such a night-and-day difference from 3 short years ago. My younger son was thrilled, scared, anxious, excited- all at the same time. He was patient and thankful for the time we spent together, but really just wanted to be at school and get his feet wet.

He had two days of classes- the he enjoyed- and then went on a "team building" camping trip with his college. He reports that there wasn't much excitement over the trip, but I think the experience did a lot to calm him and help him to settle in. He seems more balanced.

I had many experiences along the road, It's hard to single out a few to describe. I am not sure of my lessons from the road, except to say that I was captivated by the beauty of this earth. That sense of enchantment left me deeply saddened by the destruction it is facing. We were listening to an article on the radio about "mass extinctions" and observing the majesty of the earth. Humans squander what is good for what is easy. I cannot imagine what this earth looked like prior to human domination...what beauty that must have been.

It is good to meet you back here.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Connections

I have been seeing a lot of articles lately educating us about the relationships between empaths and narcissists.  I have read a few, trying to understand.

Then I met someone who seemed a bit narcissistic.  I was talking about it to a friend who listens to all my crazy explorations, and she gently wondered if rather than narcissism, this could be high-level Asperger's Syndrome.

I suddenly reevaluated all behaviors, and rather than frustration, a calmness came over me.  I could understand, and I could be compassionate.  It made me see all behaviors differently.

So now I am wondering, if there has been so much attention drawn to narcissism lately, do we have a lot more people living with Asperger's than ever imagined...And why do we have so many people who can't relate, can't quite understand?

I see disconnect everywhere.  We have absolutely lost touch with the Earth, with nature. We have named other races, other peoples, and see them as "other."  We do not see the connection any more.  We have so many people living their lives through the lens of technology.  Nothing happens anywhere in their lives without a device between them and others.

I wondered about people with Apserger's, who are smart, and are smart enough to see that others are connected in a way they can't perceive.

Is this the future for humans?

I had my youngest granddaughter overnight on Friday.  I had her and my youngest grandson at meetinghouse with me all Saturday afternoon, working on the permaculture project.  Then my grandson spent the night last night.  Today, my granddaughter came back while her Mama worked. Everyone was tired.  Everyone was cranky.  These two kids put on a sibling rivalry display that would have awed my kids.

Then I forced them to walk down into the woods with me.  They bickered all the way down the driveway, but as we turned to the forest, they calmed.  Once we were down in the creek, and found a toad, and walked on the stones...they were different kids.

I had forgotten the magic of the forest.

It amplifies all connections.  We need to be connected. And we need to find little inroads to our compassionate selves...

Exhaustedly, but with love and hugs,

Clare

I'm Back!

Hey Little Sister,

This may be our worst month ever! As far as posting...

I had a friend visit for three weeks.  As soon as I was done with work, he was ready to go somewhere, do something.  I got nothing done.

But I got a glimpse of being American.

My friend is European, and one day we went to the park by the lake. As an American, I am prepared to go to the park for an hour or so, then cross that task off the list, and get ready for the rest of what I have to do.

We stayed at the park for five or six hours. We talked.  We waded. We ate mangoes.  It took me three or four hours to let go of my list and relax and really look at the lake.

It is hard work hostessing, but it was a lot of fun.

Lots of insight that will probably pop in here as I process.

I have a friend who has beaten cancer twice. It is back for the third round, and it seems like it will win this time. She can take meds for as long as she can tolerate them, and live for maybe a year. Or she can enjoy the next four to six months.

What a choice.  How do you want to die?  It is a bit like our sister-in-law.

I feel stripped by loss.  How do we bear the pain of losing one more person. It is hard...

I didn't write at all while my guest was here.  But I had a breakthrough about the way to organize the book. Unfortunately I don't remember exactly what my bright idea was.

But it is in my brain somewhere!

Waiting for you to get home from the wild, wild west!!

Love and hugs from Clare

Popping In

Hi Maggie,

Is the road trip now? Are you on your way to the wild west?

Did your Reiki person say anything about Dad?  I had another moment where I felt...I began this post more than a week ago, and I don't remember any more.

That is why this blog is so valuable for me.  I can work through and record the evolution.

I have not been here because I have a houseguest who will stay for another week. We have been busy.  I am working Monday - Thursday, so long weekends have been a treat.

Meanwhile a Friend who lived with me about 20 years ago after a divorce, has divorced again and is going to live here until she gets back on he feet.  She is bringing sheep and rabbits and dogs.  Last night my houseguest and I were outside trying to save a newborn lamb.  Not sure if we were successful or not.

So life is crazy now.  S#3is coming to look at another property.  I am not sure exactly when to expect her.

Life is going to be different with your youngest far away.  I can promise you - you'll still worry!  But it will be good for him to try his own wings with the mama safety-net always below.  What is he planning to take?

I really resonated with your analysis of Papa.  I trust your comparison to your son.  I see Papa in my youngest son, but an easier version...I also see Papa in his face. My son looks more and more like Papa.

No time for deep thoughts. No writing of the book.

My guest will be here for another week.  My Friend will continue moving in.  My neighbor's brother just died, and so I have been helping by taking her pets. And Mama will visit for two weeks from the end of August into mid-September.

Then...then I will be back, thoughtfully available!!

Love and hugs from Clare

empty nesting

Clare,

I'm preparing for my empty nest...
seems like a short time ago I was nesting in preparation for my babies.

It is a really important transition.
I find myself trying to plan...
and then gathering stuff...
organizing stuff...
and then being really angry because my youngest wants to use the stuff I've planned, gathered, and organized!
I think this is a ploy to make me happy to leave him 2300 miles from home.

Less than 2 weeks.
That is hard to believe.
I've been through so much with this one.
I'm sure he's going to push me even more in the future.
The difference is that now I will have to help him to help himself...
no more rescues...
at least not emergent rescues.

I wonder if you are busy writing your story. Is that why you aren't writing here?
There is the beginning of a post from you over a week ago...
unfinished...
I worry that something pulled you away and has you too busy to check in.
I pray that all is well in your home and life.

My puppy has added much needed laughter back into my days.
He wakes me up...
frequently at night...
usually before dawn...
but we wake and walk and play and laugh together.
I have not sat to meditate since he arrived in June.
I have not sat to journal since his arrival either.
But I am laughing and enjoying his spirit and personality...
I am in the moment with him...
that's a pray in itself.
He brings joy into our home.
We all agree on loving him.
Well...except the cats...they are beginning to tolerate his slobber and clumsy paws trying to play with them.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie