Clare,
Good morning beautiful sister.
Reminding them of Arizona is on my mind too. I'm trying to have their letters bound into book form for Christmas to remind them of their journeys. I've contacted a local artist to see if she can help me with that. My older son returned to our local high school today. I am ambivalent, at best. I am hopeful because graduating is one of his goals. I just worry that the old stressors will be present and he'll look for the same stress relief. He told me that his classmates were asking his best friend if he was going to still be a "dick" to everyone. He said it laughing. I just keep reminding him to maintain a Heart at Peace.
I saw my oncologist yesterday. She didn't buy into the idea of stopping tamoxifen. She told me that they could give me a monthly injection to stop my periods. I politely declined telling her that I want as few chemicals as possible. She reminded me that I escaped chemotherapy- touché.
She also pointed out that my weight is up, about 8 lbs. She warned me that excess body weight is a significant risk factor for recurrence. So I came home and ordered a cleanse + 14 day diet with supplements. I hate gaining weight, carrying extra weight is really uncomfortable for me. So I'll tap into my bulimic self and drop 10.
I'm sorry the baby is sick. I hope that she feels better soon. I hope that you get some rest as well.
I was asked to write a blog post for the foundation in Arizona, about my experiences with the program. I'm inspired to write it as the Prodigal Son and his Brother- because that parallels our experience. I'm trying to answer the question- what happens to the brother when the biblical story ends? Any suggestions?
I had a long talk with S#4 yesterday. I appreciated being able to talk about my experiences with her. She was very receptive to my stories. We talked a lot about sexuality and how devastating this has been to my sexual being. It was an unexpected turn in the conversation- but needed to be said out loud. It is good to have her reaching out and connecting. That was the Light in my day yesterday
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
quickly
The baby is sick, really for the first time ever, so I won't be here for long. I just wanted to share the Light for today.
It was a gloomy, grey, windy day today. My desk is in front of the window, and I stand and look out the window all day long as I work. And today was rather depressing. Then, for about 15 minutes, the clouds parted and we saw the sun.
It reminded me that the sun, the Light, is always there, even if it seems like there's a lot blocking it.
Cliche, but it's the best I got today!
Found myself wondering if a photo/poster of Arizona desert would remind your son of the self he found while he was in the program this summer...
Sending love,
Clare
It was a gloomy, grey, windy day today. My desk is in front of the window, and I stand and look out the window all day long as I work. And today was rather depressing. Then, for about 15 minutes, the clouds parted and we saw the sun.
It reminded me that the sun, the Light, is always there, even if it seems like there's a lot blocking it.
Cliche, but it's the best I got today!
Found myself wondering if a photo/poster of Arizona desert would remind your son of the self he found while he was in the program this summer...
Sending love,
Clare
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Light invitation
I will hold S#4 in the Light. I guess we wait to see what happens with her.
I think mostly we are in pain - all of us - everyone. And when in pain, we seek to numb, to withdraw. And if we have kids, they get hurt because the person who is supposed to love them is unavailable. And if you don't love me, it is because I am unlovable, there is something wrong with me - a child's logic.
We are all hurt.
I have wondered a few times in the past what the 9 of us would be like if we had been raised by healthy parents. I looked at each of us and I saw extreme talent and intelligence. I looked at us and saw balance and beauty - each one of us. But all of those gifts, all of that Light has been raped out of us.
Last night I was thinking about my kids. I love them. I think they are beautiful. I am in awe of their beauty. It is a pleasure to be near them. But they struggle with addiction - with smoking and alcohol, mostly. I suddenly had the same thought about them...What if they had been raised by healthy parents? Their gifts, their Light has been dimmed by anger and depression and an alcoholic-codependence war.
I am sorry.
I wish I could have a do over...in this lifetime!
Okay, let's celebrate the Light. In recognition of this, the darkest month of the year, when we wait with complete faith for the return of the sun and longer days. let's share one Light moment every day. If you miss a day here, then you have to share two, or more, when you return. Even surgery can't get you off the hook for this one.
Today, my Light moment was with the baby. She is now 20 months old, and active. She likes to climb things to reach more things. Today I watched her deposit a few of her books between the back of the couch and the wall. I asked her what she was doing and she looked at my with such pride and delight, that she filled my heart. I pulled the couch out, a few inches from the wall, so we could see the books. She looked at me in awe - there they were.
My only comment, besides smiling and sharing her joy was, "Hmmmmm, we can't read them if they are down there..." Can't resist a little logical consequences.
Love and hugs and Light and connections and cookies and healing...
Clare
I think mostly we are in pain - all of us - everyone. And when in pain, we seek to numb, to withdraw. And if we have kids, they get hurt because the person who is supposed to love them is unavailable. And if you don't love me, it is because I am unlovable, there is something wrong with me - a child's logic.
We are all hurt.
I have wondered a few times in the past what the 9 of us would be like if we had been raised by healthy parents. I looked at each of us and I saw extreme talent and intelligence. I looked at us and saw balance and beauty - each one of us. But all of those gifts, all of that Light has been raped out of us.
Last night I was thinking about my kids. I love them. I think they are beautiful. I am in awe of their beauty. It is a pleasure to be near them. But they struggle with addiction - with smoking and alcohol, mostly. I suddenly had the same thought about them...What if they had been raised by healthy parents? Their gifts, their Light has been dimmed by anger and depression and an alcoholic-codependence war.
I am sorry.
I wish I could have a do over...in this lifetime!
Okay, let's celebrate the Light. In recognition of this, the darkest month of the year, when we wait with complete faith for the return of the sun and longer days. let's share one Light moment every day. If you miss a day here, then you have to share two, or more, when you return. Even surgery can't get you off the hook for this one.
Today, my Light moment was with the baby. She is now 20 months old, and active. She likes to climb things to reach more things. Today I watched her deposit a few of her books between the back of the couch and the wall. I asked her what she was doing and she looked at my with such pride and delight, that she filled my heart. I pulled the couch out, a few inches from the wall, so we could see the books. She looked at me in awe - there they were.
My only comment, besides smiling and sharing her joy was, "Hmmmmm, we can't read them if they are down there..." Can't resist a little logical consequences.
Love and hugs and Light and connections and cookies and healing...
Clare
How to allow Light to permeate
Clare,
My surgery is Tuesday, 12/9, hopefully in the morning. I am ambivalent. While I am excited to be rid of these damned, hard expanders, I am not looking forward to another recovery. I'm dreading it because of the time of year as well. I am going to have to just pace myself and be satisfied with whatever I accomplish in preparation for Christmas this year. I have been doing a lot of cyber-shopping. I have a few gifts for each child, one for husband. I have taken care of the all-important pajama shopping though. I am tempted to give those out this weekend so we can take our christmas card picture in them. But, that would ruin the surprise.
I got a message from our S#4 today. She carries the family mutation. I'm not sure that I should share that, but she didn't ask me to keep it in confidence. We are going to talk after she has an opportunity to discuss the implications with her geneticist. It breaks my heart to think of any of you going through a cancer experience. Mine was difficult, but not as difficult as it could have been. I pray that she remains cancer free. My oldest is having her tests run later this month. S#3 is waiting upon her results. We shall see what those hold.
I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow. I hate taking Tamoxifen. I want to stop it. I hope she hears me when I say that. I want to know what my true risks of recurrence are and if this is making a significant difference.
Today I shared the Adult Children of Alcoholics book with one of my clients. I've come to realize that many childhood dysfunctions can create that complex of symptoms- if your parents didn't hear, see or care for you you're going to be screwed up. We live in a very sad world. There is so much pathology because parents aren't equipped to care for their children. Sometimes I think A Brave New World had that part right- let nurturing people raise all of the children. I wonder what that outcome would be?
So, how do I allow Light to permeate my holiday season? I am really down this month. I need to find something that feeds my soul. I need to laugh and love- but I am so pessimistic that those seem impossible right now. I can't cry, even though I know it would do wonders for my mood. MAybe anesthesia will make me happier- total sleep and relaxation.
I'm going to get some exercise- maybe that will help.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
My surgery is Tuesday, 12/9, hopefully in the morning. I am ambivalent. While I am excited to be rid of these damned, hard expanders, I am not looking forward to another recovery. I'm dreading it because of the time of year as well. I am going to have to just pace myself and be satisfied with whatever I accomplish in preparation for Christmas this year. I have been doing a lot of cyber-shopping. I have a few gifts for each child, one for husband. I have taken care of the all-important pajama shopping though. I am tempted to give those out this weekend so we can take our christmas card picture in them. But, that would ruin the surprise.
I got a message from our S#4 today. She carries the family mutation. I'm not sure that I should share that, but she didn't ask me to keep it in confidence. We are going to talk after she has an opportunity to discuss the implications with her geneticist. It breaks my heart to think of any of you going through a cancer experience. Mine was difficult, but not as difficult as it could have been. I pray that she remains cancer free. My oldest is having her tests run later this month. S#3 is waiting upon her results. We shall see what those hold.
I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow. I hate taking Tamoxifen. I want to stop it. I hope she hears me when I say that. I want to know what my true risks of recurrence are and if this is making a significant difference.
Today I shared the Adult Children of Alcoholics book with one of my clients. I've come to realize that many childhood dysfunctions can create that complex of symptoms- if your parents didn't hear, see or care for you you're going to be screwed up. We live in a very sad world. There is so much pathology because parents aren't equipped to care for their children. Sometimes I think A Brave New World had that part right- let nurturing people raise all of the children. I wonder what that outcome would be?
So, how do I allow Light to permeate my holiday season? I am really down this month. I need to find something that feeds my soul. I need to laugh and love- but I am so pessimistic that those seem impossible right now. I can't cry, even though I know it would do wonders for my mood. MAybe anesthesia will make me happier- total sleep and relaxation.
I'm going to get some exercise- maybe that will help.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, December 1, 2014
rolling around in my brain
What day is your surgery? That will be a day of Light for me. I shall generate enough for you, too.
I didn't chose my hair color. I told our niece I trusted her. She chose a caramel and a gold and chunked them in with my natural color - and actually, S#3 may have chosen them. While her daughter was working on me, S#3 was warning her daughter to cover every gray hair! Her daughter said she wanted my hair to look natural as the dye washed out. She referred to me as the nature girl aunt. I need to download the photos I took...
I have been having a few stray thoughts. I hopeI remember them all. I wanted to see what you thought.
First, I have been thinking about the rampant sexual and physical abuse we know happens today. And I was thinking about your statement that you learned to leave your body, to astral project, when we lived in the house where most of the abuse took place. I also learned to astral project in that house. I thought it showed that I had a strong, adventurous spirit. I never realized I had been shoved out by abuse, then learned to leave at will. So, while toying with this, I suddenly wondered how much of our New Age movement is rooted in abuse. It sort of goes with my observation that the two most psychic people I know had wickedly awful childhoods and difficult adulthoods.
Another stray thought that is trying to work its way into my understanding was triggered by two videos I recently watched. The first showed a normal, attractive young woman walking on city streets. Someone close by was taping everything men said to her, and how close they approached her, their reactions when she ignored them. Someone made a follow up of two women doing the same to men - commenting on their bodies as they walked by on a public street. I remember once reading that men and women are so different, in the way we think, communicate, react, that we might be considered subspecies of each other rather than the same species. It led me to wonder how much we have evolved since patriarchy was foisted upon humanity by the Biblical patriarchs. How much of the way women are nowadays is the result of trying to survive patriarchy?
Tamed women, kind of like tamed dogs....??? I am making myself nauseous...Must be onto something.
It seemed like there were a few other things rattling around in my brain.
I finished Brene Brown's Daring Greatly last night. One of her last thoughts hit me hard...knocked my breath out. I am handling it gingerly - afraid of it, almost...
She said, "...I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I'm standing outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen."
I show up, but I rarely let myself be seen.
That is enough for me to chew on tonight. Love and hugs from Clare
I didn't chose my hair color. I told our niece I trusted her. She chose a caramel and a gold and chunked them in with my natural color - and actually, S#3 may have chosen them. While her daughter was working on me, S#3 was warning her daughter to cover every gray hair! Her daughter said she wanted my hair to look natural as the dye washed out. She referred to me as the nature girl aunt. I need to download the photos I took...
I have been having a few stray thoughts. I hopeI remember them all. I wanted to see what you thought.
First, I have been thinking about the rampant sexual and physical abuse we know happens today. And I was thinking about your statement that you learned to leave your body, to astral project, when we lived in the house where most of the abuse took place. I also learned to astral project in that house. I thought it showed that I had a strong, adventurous spirit. I never realized I had been shoved out by abuse, then learned to leave at will. So, while toying with this, I suddenly wondered how much of our New Age movement is rooted in abuse. It sort of goes with my observation that the two most psychic people I know had wickedly awful childhoods and difficult adulthoods.
Another stray thought that is trying to work its way into my understanding was triggered by two videos I recently watched. The first showed a normal, attractive young woman walking on city streets. Someone close by was taping everything men said to her, and how close they approached her, their reactions when she ignored them. Someone made a follow up of two women doing the same to men - commenting on their bodies as they walked by on a public street. I remember once reading that men and women are so different, in the way we think, communicate, react, that we might be considered subspecies of each other rather than the same species. It led me to wonder how much we have evolved since patriarchy was foisted upon humanity by the Biblical patriarchs. How much of the way women are nowadays is the result of trying to survive patriarchy?
Tamed women, kind of like tamed dogs....??? I am making myself nauseous...Must be onto something.
It seemed like there were a few other things rattling around in my brain.
I finished Brene Brown's Daring Greatly last night. One of her last thoughts hit me hard...knocked my breath out. I am handling it gingerly - afraid of it, almost...
She said, "...I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I'm standing outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen."
I show up, but I rarely let myself be seen.
That is enough for me to chew on tonight. Love and hugs from Clare
focus on the Light
Clare,
Let's focus on celebrating the Light this month. I am already working on shopping- on line mostly. I want to get a portion done prior to next week's surgery. I'm not sure how I will feel after it's over, so I'm trying to work ahead.
I am trying to find Light in my daily activities…
trying to find the lessons embedded within my day…
the messages delivered by unsuspecting others…
meant for me…
hopefully understood by me.
I am having a houseful this weekend…
my oldest is bringing a dozen friends to the house to can for THON.
I love having them here…
the energy is amazing and they are generally so very happy…
happy to be serving others.
Their THON family is also coming for dinner Saturday evening.
I've met them during the marathon last year, but it was chaotic, it will be nice to actually get to know them.
I have a lot of work ahead of me this week.
I have to pace myself.
Next week will be quieter…
recuperating.
Send me your selfie…
I bet you are being very critical of yourself.
What color did you choose for your hair?
I'm going to make an errand run.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Let's focus on celebrating the Light this month. I am already working on shopping- on line mostly. I want to get a portion done prior to next week's surgery. I'm not sure how I will feel after it's over, so I'm trying to work ahead.
I am trying to find Light in my daily activities…
trying to find the lessons embedded within my day…
the messages delivered by unsuspecting others…
meant for me…
hopefully understood by me.
I am having a houseful this weekend…
my oldest is bringing a dozen friends to the house to can for THON.
I love having them here…
the energy is amazing and they are generally so very happy…
happy to be serving others.
Their THON family is also coming for dinner Saturday evening.
I've met them during the marathon last year, but it was chaotic, it will be nice to actually get to know them.
I have a lot of work ahead of me this week.
I have to pace myself.
Next week will be quieter…
recuperating.
Send me your selfie…
I bet you are being very critical of yourself.
What color did you choose for your hair?
I'm going to make an errand run.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, November 30, 2014
silence returns
My grandchildren have been picked up. S#3 and hers left late last night. Ahhhh, the silence. I am surrounded by chaos and mess, but ahh, the silence. It is so chaotic when everyone is here, but the house is alive. And used in ways I had never imagined. When I folded the sleeper couch back up, it was wet underneath. When my socks stuck, I realized it was not water. I know who did it. It was the little squirt who climbed out from underneath and complained of hurting her finger.
I wish they lived closer. I wish family lived closer.
Our niece cut and colored my hair. Aside from an experiment with highlights once many, many years ago, I have never colored my hair before. But after looking at the photos from S#4's birthday and seeing how gray and haggard I look, I decided to do something. I took a selfie this morning. And there was the same old me, with cropped hair. Maybe it's not the hair or the clothes or the saggy body. Maybe it's the way I see myself...as dull and gray and old. I thought of the old saying about putting pearls on a swine or something like that...and no need to tell me you are uncomfortable. I know I was being really mean.
The other thing I noticed was that it was really hard to take the time to sit down and let our niece work on me. She has good hands. She is capable, but gentle. I was thinking about Grandma and the way she put herself last. I always have a list running in my head. When I get through the list, I will sit down...
So I am working on my issues - making myself uncomfortable.
I was reading about your decision to say no to the screening. This relates to the thoughts above...Too often I feel a request must be honored. If I can say yes, I do. Makes me a good Quaker! I need to consider that it is simply a request. I can decide based both on my needs and those of the asker. I don't think about my needs, though. I just wonder if I can fit it in. If I can, I usually do. So, same goes for you - a request doesn't warrant an automatic yes if you are available.
And, yeah, that appointment was meant for you!!
It's almost December. I always want to rush through the month. Already I am dreading it. I have to figure out how to find the Light. We are celebrating the return of the Light.
I love you!!
Clare
I wish they lived closer. I wish family lived closer.
Our niece cut and colored my hair. Aside from an experiment with highlights once many, many years ago, I have never colored my hair before. But after looking at the photos from S#4's birthday and seeing how gray and haggard I look, I decided to do something. I took a selfie this morning. And there was the same old me, with cropped hair. Maybe it's not the hair or the clothes or the saggy body. Maybe it's the way I see myself...as dull and gray and old. I thought of the old saying about putting pearls on a swine or something like that...and no need to tell me you are uncomfortable. I know I was being really mean.
The other thing I noticed was that it was really hard to take the time to sit down and let our niece work on me. She has good hands. She is capable, but gentle. I was thinking about Grandma and the way she put herself last. I always have a list running in my head. When I get through the list, I will sit down...
So I am working on my issues - making myself uncomfortable.
I was reading about your decision to say no to the screening. This relates to the thoughts above...Too often I feel a request must be honored. If I can say yes, I do. Makes me a good Quaker! I need to consider that it is simply a request. I can decide based both on my needs and those of the asker. I don't think about my needs, though. I just wonder if I can fit it in. If I can, I usually do. So, same goes for you - a request doesn't warrant an automatic yes if you are available.
And, yeah, that appointment was meant for you!!
It's almost December. I always want to rush through the month. Already I am dreading it. I have to figure out how to find the Light. We are celebrating the return of the Light.
I love you!!
Clare
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)