Hi Maggie,
I woke up early this morning with that jarring realization that I agreed to write a report for a meeting tomorrow night. And other Friends on the committee were supposed to have some time to edit and think about it before hand...So I reread all the original documents the report was based on, then I went and laid in the grass and wrote.
I'm not sure if this is an effective technique or not, but the report is written and waiting to be pulled apart by the others on the committee.
Before that jolt into reality, I was following a strange trail. It made sense while I was half asleep, but I'm not sure I can explain it now - just before bed.
But...when my oldest was 19, her then boyfriend gave her a husky puppy for her birthday. Later, they were having some difficulties in their relationship...and you know how some young couple have a baby, trying to get closer and solve their problems? Well my daughter and this boyfriend got a new puppy. Then they broke up. She moved to her own apartment, and could only have one dog. She asked me if I could keep her husky, who was then 2 years old, for just a little while. I had him for 11 years.
I remember that people would ask about my dogs and I would always explain that he belonged to my daughter, but was with me for awhile. After about 6 years, I realized that any time I put my hand down, he was there. I realized he was my dog. The dog he knew he was my companion, I was his human - but I didn't. And suddenly I wondered about my perceptions of the world. How many truths am I missing? How far are my perceptions from reality?What am I missing?
In the still of the early morning,I was onto somehting - I was redefining something about myself. But with the morning sun - it disappeared!
Hope you have a lovely day.
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
mixed feelings
Hi Maggie,
I think we all have mixed feelings about our kids. And I think parenting is best learned by practice. Unfortunately, by the time we figure things out, and actually have a clue - they are gone. That thought takes me back to my ever-present belief that humans are a tribal species. If we lived in healthy tribes, the generations would be present to help, to advise, to share enthusiasm as well as wisdom. Instead we have exhausted young parents working and spending evenings with their kids, or one parent isolated with their kids. Neither is healthy.
When I was on the farm, when the kids were young, we never managed to organize an intentional community, but I always longed for that lifestyle. My oldest does tell people she was born on a commune though - referring to the shared farm we lived on so many years ago. I didn't realize how healthy the lifestyle was while I was in it...
When I first read about your statement at work, I thought you were talking about your role as parent - this is not what you signed up for. I was delighted for a moment, until I read correctly - you were making a strong statement at work.
Well, good for you.
And do protect yourself. Stepping into the lion's den is a brave thing to do, and you'll probably find moments of unbearable vulnerability...which is probably when you will truly shine.
When I visit the west, I routinely get to experience wildfires. I've never been in danger, but I have been aware. Today I saw that there is a wildfire in the Catskill Mountains. for some reason, having a wildfire on the east coast is freaking me out. It feels too different - like there's too much change.
And we need rain. I planted a lot of veggies, and now I'd really like Mother Nature to rain on me/them/us...
I am tired. Not the good kind of tired. And it is dark. I will be back tomorrow.
Love and hugs from Clare
I think we all have mixed feelings about our kids. And I think parenting is best learned by practice. Unfortunately, by the time we figure things out, and actually have a clue - they are gone. That thought takes me back to my ever-present belief that humans are a tribal species. If we lived in healthy tribes, the generations would be present to help, to advise, to share enthusiasm as well as wisdom. Instead we have exhausted young parents working and spending evenings with their kids, or one parent isolated with their kids. Neither is healthy.
When I was on the farm, when the kids were young, we never managed to organize an intentional community, but I always longed for that lifestyle. My oldest does tell people she was born on a commune though - referring to the shared farm we lived on so many years ago. I didn't realize how healthy the lifestyle was while I was in it...
When I first read about your statement at work, I thought you were talking about your role as parent - this is not what you signed up for. I was delighted for a moment, until I read correctly - you were making a strong statement at work.
Well, good for you.
And do protect yourself. Stepping into the lion's den is a brave thing to do, and you'll probably find moments of unbearable vulnerability...which is probably when you will truly shine.
When I visit the west, I routinely get to experience wildfires. I've never been in danger, but I have been aware. Today I saw that there is a wildfire in the Catskill Mountains. for some reason, having a wildfire on the east coast is freaking me out. It feels too different - like there's too much change.
And we need rain. I planted a lot of veggies, and now I'd really like Mother Nature to rain on me/them/us...
I am tired. Not the good kind of tired. And it is dark. I will be back tomorrow.
Love and hugs from Clare
try, try again
Clare,
I think we all parent somewhat from a "I'll never treat my kids like they did" mentality…
or maybe reaction is a better word for it.
I love my kids…
I will always be here for them.
I've been taken advantage by them.
I've loved them despite not liking them very much.
I had a long talk with a coworker today…
explaining that I do not want to continue with the responsibilities that I currently have…
I am filling in for a communications person.
I am creating and sending e-mails to different cohorts of the membership.
I am editing a training manual for updates.
I am going through our website looking for outdated references and non-working links.
I told her today,"this is not social work".
It felt good to admit that part of my dis-satisfaction is not being professionally fulfilled.
I've applied for a forensic mental health therapist's position…
basically working with convicted perpetrators of violence- sex offenders and domestic violence perpetrators. I was asked to write a letter of interest, which I did over the weekend. It was a difficult letter to compose, but I think it was honest in the end.
I am interested to see if I will be interviewed. I asked my reiki healer if I was strong enough to do that work…she told me that line of work is "more in line with my purpose"…and told me to proceed.
She warned me to protect myself…
I am really tired this afternoon…
a good tired though.
I mowed after work and feel relaxed.
I took my youngest to the DMV for his driver's permit this afternoon…
forgot to take my checkbook…
so we have to re-try tomorrow…
mea culpa.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I think we all parent somewhat from a "I'll never treat my kids like they did" mentality…
or maybe reaction is a better word for it.
I love my kids…
I will always be here for them.
I've been taken advantage by them.
I've loved them despite not liking them very much.
I had a long talk with a coworker today…
explaining that I do not want to continue with the responsibilities that I currently have…
I am filling in for a communications person.
I am creating and sending e-mails to different cohorts of the membership.
I am editing a training manual for updates.
I am going through our website looking for outdated references and non-working links.
I told her today,"this is not social work".
It felt good to admit that part of my dis-satisfaction is not being professionally fulfilled.
I've applied for a forensic mental health therapist's position…
basically working with convicted perpetrators of violence- sex offenders and domestic violence perpetrators. I was asked to write a letter of interest, which I did over the weekend. It was a difficult letter to compose, but I think it was honest in the end.
I am interested to see if I will be interviewed. I asked my reiki healer if I was strong enough to do that work…she told me that line of work is "more in line with my purpose"…and told me to proceed.
She warned me to protect myself…
I am really tired this afternoon…
a good tired though.
I mowed after work and feel relaxed.
I took my youngest to the DMV for his driver's permit this afternoon…
forgot to take my checkbook…
so we have to re-try tomorrow…
mea culpa.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, May 4, 2015
don't be Dad
Hi Maggie,
I seem to be developing another cold. I rarely get sick, but this year has been outrageous. It is probably due to my poor eating habits. I fell of the sugar wagon and am struggling. I will climb back on later this week. And I want to try to limit processed foods as much as I possibly can. I have been doing some reading, and am becoming more convinced that the chemicals added to our foods cause inflammation in various parts of the body, including the brain. I really think this influences our behavior, our choices.
I am willing to explore this with my body...
I recognize the S#3 pattern. I have done this, too, especially with my youngest. Moreso with my youngest, maybe. Her older sibs occasionally express some opinions to that effect.
I think the reason is twofold. One is that I tried to parent differently than Dad. At times I would actually stop, wonder what he would have done, then did something else. It was painful being regularly reminded that I was not welcomed in his home, that I had to leave at age 18. And we all knew we could never ask for anything, and that they were not, under any circumstances, going to babysit our kids.
I made sure my kids all knew that as long as I had a home, they were welcome in it. If they ever, at any time in their life, needed sanctuary, my door is open.
The other reason I stepped in and helped too much was the classic avoidance of having an empty nest. If I am not the Mom, what am I? It is a difficult questions. I don't know yet. But it is painful when I look at my position as grandma, slightly outside - more a supporting role than having a vital role.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a vital role in my own life...
With S#4, I will be in the same role as with you - praying. It's the most I can offer...
I hope you feel the joy of your upcoming weekend...
I'll be back tomorrow...my happy.
Love and hugs,
Clare
I seem to be developing another cold. I rarely get sick, but this year has been outrageous. It is probably due to my poor eating habits. I fell of the sugar wagon and am struggling. I will climb back on later this week. And I want to try to limit processed foods as much as I possibly can. I have been doing some reading, and am becoming more convinced that the chemicals added to our foods cause inflammation in various parts of the body, including the brain. I really think this influences our behavior, our choices.
I am willing to explore this with my body...
I recognize the S#3 pattern. I have done this, too, especially with my youngest. Moreso with my youngest, maybe. Her older sibs occasionally express some opinions to that effect.
I think the reason is twofold. One is that I tried to parent differently than Dad. At times I would actually stop, wonder what he would have done, then did something else. It was painful being regularly reminded that I was not welcomed in his home, that I had to leave at age 18. And we all knew we could never ask for anything, and that they were not, under any circumstances, going to babysit our kids.
I made sure my kids all knew that as long as I had a home, they were welcome in it. If they ever, at any time in their life, needed sanctuary, my door is open.
The other reason I stepped in and helped too much was the classic avoidance of having an empty nest. If I am not the Mom, what am I? It is a difficult questions. I don't know yet. But it is painful when I look at my position as grandma, slightly outside - more a supporting role than having a vital role.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a vital role in my own life...
With S#4, I will be in the same role as with you - praying. It's the most I can offer...
I hope you feel the joy of your upcoming weekend...
I'll be back tomorrow...my happy.
Love and hugs,
Clare
good weekend
Clare,
I had the same impression of S#3…
but through our discussion she told me that she is asking her daughter to step up…
to take back some of the responsibilities.
I think that's a positive step except that she doesn't really want to relinquish the reins.
I see her stepping back in when her daughter makes poor decisions and re-assuming the burdens…
which reinforces her daughter's sense that she is not capable…
mom is more capable….
I do the same thing with my kids' assignments and chores.
They don't do them the way that I like…
so I step in and "help" them…
which teaches them to depend upon me for assistance.
I am trying to change…
acknowledgement is the first step.
"Love is giving roots AND wings"
That was a message in Meeting yesterday.
S#4 has a biopsy today. She is frightened. I wish I could hold her hand, but that is not possible. I am going to be with her through her surgery and a few days following. I am looking forward to paying forward all of the kindness that was given to me last year. I am a bit afraid of reliving some of my own trauma from last June…but I will be aware of the possibility and hopefully deal with it.
We had a good weekend.
Gardening…
walking…
yoga…
I saw a lot of F/friends at the yearly gathering yesterday. I was only able to go for Sunday morning, but it is always a great time…
Daughter #2 had a show yesterday afternoon and then dinner with our Ukranian friends.
My youngest is going to travel in Europe with them this summer. He has been invited to spend 2 months traveling with them…we're not sure how long he will actually spend there…Probably 3 or 4 weeks.
Next weekend is graduation for both of my daughters…
and mother's day…
and a prom for the youngest.
I need to pace myself.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I had the same impression of S#3…
but through our discussion she told me that she is asking her daughter to step up…
to take back some of the responsibilities.
I think that's a positive step except that she doesn't really want to relinquish the reins.
I see her stepping back in when her daughter makes poor decisions and re-assuming the burdens…
which reinforces her daughter's sense that she is not capable…
mom is more capable….
I do the same thing with my kids' assignments and chores.
They don't do them the way that I like…
so I step in and "help" them…
which teaches them to depend upon me for assistance.
I am trying to change…
acknowledgement is the first step.
"Love is giving roots AND wings"
That was a message in Meeting yesterday.
S#4 has a biopsy today. She is frightened. I wish I could hold her hand, but that is not possible. I am going to be with her through her surgery and a few days following. I am looking forward to paying forward all of the kindness that was given to me last year. I am a bit afraid of reliving some of my own trauma from last June…but I will be aware of the possibility and hopefully deal with it.
We had a good weekend.
Gardening…
walking…
yoga…
I saw a lot of F/friends at the yearly gathering yesterday. I was only able to go for Sunday morning, but it is always a great time…
Daughter #2 had a show yesterday afternoon and then dinner with our Ukranian friends.
My youngest is going to travel in Europe with them this summer. He has been invited to spend 2 months traveling with them…we're not sure how long he will actually spend there…Probably 3 or 4 weeks.
Next weekend is graduation for both of my daughters…
and mother's day…
and a prom for the youngest.
I need to pace myself.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, May 3, 2015
blank brain
Helloooo...
Hope all is well. We had a loud weekend, with seven kids. I wondered if we sounded like that when the nine of us were little.
I did have memories of my two oldest, who I fondly referred to as the Informer (my second child) and the Enforcer (the oldest). Luckily, the grow up and we forget.
I was/am a little worried about S#3. She seemed overly tired and stressed. I don't think she's getting any down time. I think she has taken on the bulk of the responsibility of raising her grandchildren. And she never had, asked for or even wanted four kids. This seems a little unfair.
The New Age woo-woo part of me wonders what karma she and her daughter are settling. But the big sister in me wants to see our sister in a little less pain. She often says she's coming without any kids. But she never does that. She always has her car filled with noise and arguments.
I heard that S#4 has suspicious spots in her breasts, and may end up being treated for cancer. Please keep me in the loop. I am so outside her life.
Not much else to think about. The weekend was so chaotic. Then everyone left and it was just me and the baby. And she tool a long nap in my arms. Then she went home and I worked on Quaker stuff for our upcoming gathering.
Maybe by tomorrow, the brain will be functioning again!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Hope all is well. We had a loud weekend, with seven kids. I wondered if we sounded like that when the nine of us were little.
I did have memories of my two oldest, who I fondly referred to as the Informer (my second child) and the Enforcer (the oldest). Luckily, the grow up and we forget.
I was/am a little worried about S#3. She seemed overly tired and stressed. I don't think she's getting any down time. I think she has taken on the bulk of the responsibility of raising her grandchildren. And she never had, asked for or even wanted four kids. This seems a little unfair.
The New Age woo-woo part of me wonders what karma she and her daughter are settling. But the big sister in me wants to see our sister in a little less pain. She often says she's coming without any kids. But she never does that. She always has her car filled with noise and arguments.
I heard that S#4 has suspicious spots in her breasts, and may end up being treated for cancer. Please keep me in the loop. I am so outside her life.
Not much else to think about. The weekend was so chaotic. Then everyone left and it was just me and the baby. And she tool a long nap in my arms. Then she went home and I worked on Quaker stuff for our upcoming gathering.
Maybe by tomorrow, the brain will be functioning again!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Friday, May 1, 2015
separate accounts
Hi Maggie,
You posed some interesting questions. I think we are living in the post-divorce trauma era. I see many young couples now who maintain two separate accounts. They discuss who will pay what, but their money does not mingle.
Perhaps watching their parents split up and divide every aspect of life has led to this mistrust of relationships, this lack of communication, and even deeper fear of being vulnerable.
After reading your rhetorical questions, I really started to wonder how marriage and commitment have changed.
Do we get married expecting it to last for a lifetime? Or are we just hoping? Or do we completely lack faith in a lifetime of commitment.
In a way, it is positive that our children trust us. It seems to be a step forward. Now they need to evolve and create a family. They have to become the parents that can be trusted - together. But my daughter comes from a broken home. And her boyfriend has parents who divorced and both remarried, and so there are even more characters in the chaos of family...
I never though the whistles were for me. Dad had me pretty sure I didn't deserve it. After thinking about his brother yesterday, part of me wonders if it was part of the way he was protecting us. A very misguided way to keep us from responding to anything that might be sexual invitation - welcome or not. A bigger part of me understands he was beaten down and told he was worthless for most of his life, and he was just passing along the pain.
May Day is a holiday everywhere in the world but here, I think. So I have a light day. I am going back to the garden...after I do a little Quaker work...I hope I remember to leave my desk before the baby arrives...
Love and hugs,
Enjoy this beautiful Spring day...
Clare
You posed some interesting questions. I think we are living in the post-divorce trauma era. I see many young couples now who maintain two separate accounts. They discuss who will pay what, but their money does not mingle.
Perhaps watching their parents split up and divide every aspect of life has led to this mistrust of relationships, this lack of communication, and even deeper fear of being vulnerable.
After reading your rhetorical questions, I really started to wonder how marriage and commitment have changed.
Do we get married expecting it to last for a lifetime? Or are we just hoping? Or do we completely lack faith in a lifetime of commitment.
In a way, it is positive that our children trust us. It seems to be a step forward. Now they need to evolve and create a family. They have to become the parents that can be trusted - together. But my daughter comes from a broken home. And her boyfriend has parents who divorced and both remarried, and so there are even more characters in the chaos of family...
I never though the whistles were for me. Dad had me pretty sure I didn't deserve it. After thinking about his brother yesterday, part of me wonders if it was part of the way he was protecting us. A very misguided way to keep us from responding to anything that might be sexual invitation - welcome or not. A bigger part of me understands he was beaten down and told he was worthless for most of his life, and he was just passing along the pain.
May Day is a holiday everywhere in the world but here, I think. So I have a light day. I am going back to the garden...after I do a little Quaker work...I hope I remember to leave my desk before the baby arrives...
Love and hugs,
Enjoy this beautiful Spring day...
Clare
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