Clare,
I am tired…
I am tired of always waiting for my opportunity.
I had a conversation with another therapist who basically told me, considering all of the varied experiences and educational programs I've consumed, they are all for a reason. It will all come together. We talked extensively about how do you know when it's right and to just sit and wait it through. I am growing impatient. I feel used, even exploited, in both of my jobs…they could be so much more.
I understand waiting for the right opportunity…but then I think about our mother…and grandmothers.
They were very intelligent women who raised families in a broken way…and did not achieve greatness. Mom once told me that the IQs in her family were so high that they should have been able to solve world problems…but they didn't…they've been invisibly licking the wounds of their broken childhood. Is that my destiny?
I hope and pray for more.
I have shared pieces of my personal story during sessions (when its appropriate) and during presentations. I think I am feeding my courageous self- bit by bit- to be able to speak freely. But, will I ever get to it? My musical friend wants me to do concerts/inspirational talks. I don't think I'm ready for that…particularly the sense of rejection when only a few people show up for the event.
My sons are straying from the path somewhat…so I am afraid to take on a job that is far from home. I still have to be present. Husband won't give up his work time to accommodate my schedule. I've always enabled him to go to work despite who is sick or needing rides to an appointment, etc. He has taken time off this past year when it was me…but he's kind of lost interest in that too.
I'm really down today…
I want to cry and curl up in my bed…
I have to work on a presentation for Monday.
I still have nothing planned for opening exercises tomorrow…
O guess we'll sing.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Friday, January 9, 2015
predators
Be in your heart...Be a trusting Friend...way will open. The trick is not to miss it! Yeah - that's probably advice for me. But trust.
I hope you enjoy your guest. I really appreciate being able to spend time with people from other cultures. It helps me broaden my mind and my opinions.
I have been thinking about the rape culture a lot. Three more women have come forward and said they were raped by Bill Cosby...all with the same basic story: being drugged, waking up nude and sometimes being accosted in some way. It's almost getting boring now, the same story over and over. Yet it remains so painful. I wonder how many other powerful men are also serial rapists...my mind goes back to Dominique Strauss-Kahn. He was powerful, and so he had the freedom to serially rape whoever he could get his hands on. Many people knew, many people kept their women away from him. But no one exposed him. He was allowed to hurt one woman after another...
I think I have stated this here before, but rape, at it's essence, is a weaker person being told/shown/taught that our bodies, our beings are not ours. Our bodies belong to the strongest. It is all about dominance and ownership and power. Fuck you means Disempower you.
The dominant, therefore have raped the planet, the plants, the livestock, the wildlife, the water, the air, most children, most women, and even a lot of men.
I am beginning to think less about rape and more about the predator/prey scenario. Certain men are predators, preying on everything else. Men who want to move up within this system, have to become predators...they become rapists. They bond through gang rape. They gain power, but lose their souls. They lose their humanity.
I am thinking about the fraternities, especially -- rapist internships, it seems sometimes. And there are lots of fraternities - many types of brotherhoods. There are sports teams, clubs, gangs, social fraternities, secret organizations - all fraternities of men coming to protect each other.
We all succumb to peer pressure. If we do, we are accepted. Even if we damage someone else at the expense of our being accepted - well, they probably deserved it.
I wish we could winnow out the predators.
I wonder what would change...Then we could teach the others not to be rapists.
One of the most important messages I have seen in the past year is that we should not have to educate women how not to get raped. We should educate our young men not to be rapists...I don't know - maybe we should give them something basic...If you don't want some guy doing this to your daughter/mother/sister/wife - don't do it to any woman. Don't allow it to happen to any woman. Let's just assume that all women are valuable, even the ones you don't personally know...Ok?
I am going to have to think about predators. Maybe we can come up with a watch list to help us identify them before they draw their weapons and ruins more lives...
Sorry I wasn't here yesterday. My youngest was sick, and I had her baby, and my whole day just went awry. Nothing happened quite as planned. Today sort went the same - but now that we have gotten through the end of the year rush at work, I don't have to get up at 5 am tomorrow. Yes!!!
I love you,
Clare
I hope you enjoy your guest. I really appreciate being able to spend time with people from other cultures. It helps me broaden my mind and my opinions.
I have been thinking about the rape culture a lot. Three more women have come forward and said they were raped by Bill Cosby...all with the same basic story: being drugged, waking up nude and sometimes being accosted in some way. It's almost getting boring now, the same story over and over. Yet it remains so painful. I wonder how many other powerful men are also serial rapists...my mind goes back to Dominique Strauss-Kahn. He was powerful, and so he had the freedom to serially rape whoever he could get his hands on. Many people knew, many people kept their women away from him. But no one exposed him. He was allowed to hurt one woman after another...
I think I have stated this here before, but rape, at it's essence, is a weaker person being told/shown/taught that our bodies, our beings are not ours. Our bodies belong to the strongest. It is all about dominance and ownership and power. Fuck you means Disempower you.
The dominant, therefore have raped the planet, the plants, the livestock, the wildlife, the water, the air, most children, most women, and even a lot of men.
I am beginning to think less about rape and more about the predator/prey scenario. Certain men are predators, preying on everything else. Men who want to move up within this system, have to become predators...they become rapists. They bond through gang rape. They gain power, but lose their souls. They lose their humanity.
I am thinking about the fraternities, especially -- rapist internships, it seems sometimes. And there are lots of fraternities - many types of brotherhoods. There are sports teams, clubs, gangs, social fraternities, secret organizations - all fraternities of men coming to protect each other.
We all succumb to peer pressure. If we do, we are accepted. Even if we damage someone else at the expense of our being accepted - well, they probably deserved it.
I wish we could winnow out the predators.
I wonder what would change...Then we could teach the others not to be rapists.
One of the most important messages I have seen in the past year is that we should not have to educate women how not to get raped. We should educate our young men not to be rapists...I don't know - maybe we should give them something basic...If you don't want some guy doing this to your daughter/mother/sister/wife - don't do it to any woman. Don't allow it to happen to any woman. Let's just assume that all women are valuable, even the ones you don't personally know...Ok?
I am going to have to think about predators. Maybe we can come up with a watch list to help us identify them before they draw their weapons and ruins more lives...
Sorry I wasn't here yesterday. My youngest was sick, and I had her baby, and my whole day just went awry. Nothing happened quite as planned. Today sort went the same - but now that we have gotten through the end of the year rush at work, I don't have to get up at 5 am tomorrow. Yes!!!
I love you,
Clare
Stuck in a rut
Clare,
I'm in limbo…
professionally…
am I supposed to relax and learn the lessons…
or push into the next step with all of my energy?
I am stuck in a rut.
I feel as if this may be a rest stop…
but I don't rest well.
I am giving myself until June to be at the next step.
I am going to let 6 months show me the path.
I may be very uneasy along the way…
but I want to find the right, next step.
I've applied for 2 executive directors' positions at nonprofits…
one supports women who have been imprisoned and their families.
I'm not sure that they will take my application seriously because of my lack of experience with that population, but I have had leadings to work with prisoners. So maybe...
The insights into violence that you've been sharing have been thought provoking.
We are in a culture of rape that will persist until women stand up and say No More.
I went to a board meeting last evening and was excited to hear that we are reaching out to coaches in the area to talk with their players about respect and nonviolence. I think that prevention is the key. We've been supporting victims for over 30 years and we maintain a steady stream of victims. But, if we teach young men that violence is not OK we can put ourselves out of business. Isn't that the goal of these service non-profits…to eventually solve the problem and make themselves unnecessary.
I am not enjoying this arctic blast. It is hard to do anything outside. I strained a ligament in my heel on Monday. Between that and the cold I haven't walked all week. It makes me feel sluggish and slow when I don't exercise.
We are hosting a young woman from Ukraine this weekend. She is a friend of my youngest, they met at the boarding school he was attending. She is beautiful and smart. I think he's enamored. They are going to the mountain tomorrow to snowboard. Her mother wrote me an email explaining that she has all the necessary clothing because they were skiing in France over the Christmas Holiday. I'm so jealous…I wouldn't ski in France, but I'd love to hang out in the ski lodge. This should be a fun weekend.
I will check back in with you tomorrow.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm in limbo…
professionally…
am I supposed to relax and learn the lessons…
or push into the next step with all of my energy?
I am stuck in a rut.
I feel as if this may be a rest stop…
but I don't rest well.
I am giving myself until June to be at the next step.
I am going to let 6 months show me the path.
I may be very uneasy along the way…
but I want to find the right, next step.
I've applied for 2 executive directors' positions at nonprofits…
one supports women who have been imprisoned and their families.
I'm not sure that they will take my application seriously because of my lack of experience with that population, but I have had leadings to work with prisoners. So maybe...
The insights into violence that you've been sharing have been thought provoking.
We are in a culture of rape that will persist until women stand up and say No More.
I went to a board meeting last evening and was excited to hear that we are reaching out to coaches in the area to talk with their players about respect and nonviolence. I think that prevention is the key. We've been supporting victims for over 30 years and we maintain a steady stream of victims. But, if we teach young men that violence is not OK we can put ourselves out of business. Isn't that the goal of these service non-profits…to eventually solve the problem and make themselves unnecessary.
I am not enjoying this arctic blast. It is hard to do anything outside. I strained a ligament in my heel on Monday. Between that and the cold I haven't walked all week. It makes me feel sluggish and slow when I don't exercise.
We are hosting a young woman from Ukraine this weekend. She is a friend of my youngest, they met at the boarding school he was attending. She is beautiful and smart. I think he's enamored. They are going to the mountain tomorrow to snowboard. Her mother wrote me an email explaining that she has all the necessary clothing because they were skiing in France over the Christmas Holiday. I'm so jealous…I wouldn't ski in France, but I'd love to hang out in the ski lodge. This should be a fun weekend.
I will check back in with you tomorrow.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, January 8, 2015
inspiration
Clare,
I'm sorry I didn't get here yesterday. I had a long day at work. I left the house at 8:45am and got back about 9:30 pm. It was so bitter outside. I had a few meetings and then gave a 3 hour presentation on ethical considerations of medical genetics. It went well. People responded positively.
One of my meetings was amazingly emotional for me. It was our usual bi-weekly staff meeting, but one of the staff is leaving. I was upset because no one had told me that. They also gave his responsibilities to another woman who is already handling many things. They were talking about having the interns help her juggle everything. "What about me?" I wanted to scream. I politely waited my turn to speak and asked "What is my role here?" That simple phrase opened up conversation with 4 out of the 6 people there throughout the day. I've been asked to write a job description for myself and submit…the Acting Director will see what she can do.
I've got another long day today. Clients all day…home to help my youngest with his school work…a board meeting tonight.
I am going to try to work the heart chakra idea into the opening exercises…maybe even the comet.
I like tying it together…
from personal to universal.
Thanks for the inspiration.
We did get heat later that same day. It got to the mid-50s in the house though before it was working again. I thought last night…as I was driving in the cold about the homeless…how incredibly uncomfortable they must be during this season. I hope they seek shelter somewhere.
Thanks for the inspirations.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm sorry I didn't get here yesterday. I had a long day at work. I left the house at 8:45am and got back about 9:30 pm. It was so bitter outside. I had a few meetings and then gave a 3 hour presentation on ethical considerations of medical genetics. It went well. People responded positively.
One of my meetings was amazingly emotional for me. It was our usual bi-weekly staff meeting, but one of the staff is leaving. I was upset because no one had told me that. They also gave his responsibilities to another woman who is already handling many things. They were talking about having the interns help her juggle everything. "What about me?" I wanted to scream. I politely waited my turn to speak and asked "What is my role here?" That simple phrase opened up conversation with 4 out of the 6 people there throughout the day. I've been asked to write a job description for myself and submit…the Acting Director will see what she can do.
I've got another long day today. Clients all day…home to help my youngest with his school work…a board meeting tonight.
I am going to try to work the heart chakra idea into the opening exercises…maybe even the comet.
I like tying it together…
from personal to universal.
Thanks for the inspiration.
We did get heat later that same day. It got to the mid-50s in the house though before it was working again. I thought last night…as I was driving in the cold about the homeless…how incredibly uncomfortable they must be during this season. I hope they seek shelter somewhere.
Thanks for the inspirations.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Be green
Hey Li'l Sis,
Still stuffy and achey, but I can feel the tide turning. I'm on the mend.
Had a strange thought today. I was talking about carbon footprints with someone, and the green movement. I suddenly realized the green is the color of the heart chakra. Our goal is to get into the heart chakra and really live there.
Apparently one way to do that is to live a green lifestyle. That would make sense since we have to live with awareness.
So that's it for tonight.
Gonna take my tired self to bed and read myself to sleep!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Still stuffy and achey, but I can feel the tide turning. I'm on the mend.
Had a strange thought today. I was talking about carbon footprints with someone, and the green movement. I suddenly realized the green is the color of the heart chakra. Our goal is to get into the heart chakra and really live there.
Apparently one way to do that is to live a green lifestyle. That would make sense since we have to live with awareness.
So that's it for tonight.
Gonna take my tired self to bed and read myself to sleep!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Out them
Happy Birthday Dear, Did you get the heat thing worked out? It is so cold here - the worst day to lose heat!
Did you have fun today? You asked me if I had any advice. I thought of something in the middle of the day, but now it's gone. That might be a preview of the rest of this decade! If my profundity returns, I'll share it with you.
For Environmental Concerns, I would get Friends to sing This Pretty Planet, as a round. There's something about joining voices and creating harmony that joins a people.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeqDHppFwHE
Or I would play a recording of our get someone to perform Molly Scott's We Are All One Planet...
http://www.mollyscott.com/AOL/index.html
(I love this whole album. If you have time to listen, you may like it!)
Nephew and I went outside just a few minutes ago, and it is COOOOOOOLLLDDD out there, to find the comet that is passing close by - relatively. We found it. We found it not by looking at it. Looking at it with the naked eye made it seem to disappear into the dark. But if we gazed at Orion's belt, we could see the unchanging streak of light.
Lesson number one, I think.
I came in to check the sky maps, to assure myself that we were indeed looking at the comet. I took some time to read about it. The last time it popped by to say Hello and shine down on us was about 11,500 years ago. I wondered what was happening here at that time. I found that humans were already planting grains, but had just begun domesticating livestock. They were learning to OWN nature. It was the beginning of patriarchy and ownership of women, children, land, animals, trees and plants. It is an insane notion that we haven't been able to tweak out of our overconditioned mentality...
I wondered what this visit would usher in. I know what I want. I want the Millenia of Peace. I want the end of ownership and money and debt. I want a balanced and egalitarian society. I want women's voices to be as important, as listened to, as men's. I want humans to recognize Gaia and respect her and stop poisoning her...
I read an exchange, I guess from a cell phone today. A young man contacted a young woman from a dating sight maybe, and asked her about the weather and sent her a crotch shot. When she told him he was inappropriate, he told her she was a prude...you know how that conversation goes...trying to shame her so he can feel good about showing off the jewels. So she said she was going to forward the whole conversation to his mom, to show her how her son is helping to perpetuates the rape culture.
He was aghast.
I like it.
Out them!
It made me think of another article I read, a man complaining about not getting enough sex. His conjecture was that women can have sex anytime they want to. It doesn't matter how gross we are, there is someone who is desperate enough to screw us...and he was letting us know, we are lucky. That is rape, too. I remember being confused by his point of view...was it true? Now I think that maybe he was seeing women's existence through a skewed lens. Sure, there's someone available to rape anytime we stay still.
Predators have no idea what it feels like to be prey all the time. They have no idea what it means to not be able to walk down a street at night. Or even during the day. The rulers have no idea that we don't live like they do. We don't think like they do.
I saw one other thing, another man pondering why women have relationships with men, considering - then there was a list of statistics showing that most violence toward women comes from men - why would we do it?
Still congested and lightheaded, maybe still under the spell of the green comet - same color as the heart chakra, the chakra we are being welcomed into!!
Hope you have a wonderful birthday. I love you,
Clare
Did you have fun today? You asked me if I had any advice. I thought of something in the middle of the day, but now it's gone. That might be a preview of the rest of this decade! If my profundity returns, I'll share it with you.
For Environmental Concerns, I would get Friends to sing This Pretty Planet, as a round. There's something about joining voices and creating harmony that joins a people.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeqDHppFwHE
Or I would play a recording of our get someone to perform Molly Scott's We Are All One Planet...
http://www.mollyscott.com/AOL/index.html
(I love this whole album. If you have time to listen, you may like it!)
Nephew and I went outside just a few minutes ago, and it is COOOOOOOLLLDDD out there, to find the comet that is passing close by - relatively. We found it. We found it not by looking at it. Looking at it with the naked eye made it seem to disappear into the dark. But if we gazed at Orion's belt, we could see the unchanging streak of light.
Lesson number one, I think.
I came in to check the sky maps, to assure myself that we were indeed looking at the comet. I took some time to read about it. The last time it popped by to say Hello and shine down on us was about 11,500 years ago. I wondered what was happening here at that time. I found that humans were already planting grains, but had just begun domesticating livestock. They were learning to OWN nature. It was the beginning of patriarchy and ownership of women, children, land, animals, trees and plants. It is an insane notion that we haven't been able to tweak out of our overconditioned mentality...
I wondered what this visit would usher in. I know what I want. I want the Millenia of Peace. I want the end of ownership and money and debt. I want a balanced and egalitarian society. I want women's voices to be as important, as listened to, as men's. I want humans to recognize Gaia and respect her and stop poisoning her...
I read an exchange, I guess from a cell phone today. A young man contacted a young woman from a dating sight maybe, and asked her about the weather and sent her a crotch shot. When she told him he was inappropriate, he told her she was a prude...you know how that conversation goes...trying to shame her so he can feel good about showing off the jewels. So she said she was going to forward the whole conversation to his mom, to show her how her son is helping to perpetuates the rape culture.
He was aghast.
I like it.
Out them!
It made me think of another article I read, a man complaining about not getting enough sex. His conjecture was that women can have sex anytime they want to. It doesn't matter how gross we are, there is someone who is desperate enough to screw us...and he was letting us know, we are lucky. That is rape, too. I remember being confused by his point of view...was it true? Now I think that maybe he was seeing women's existence through a skewed lens. Sure, there's someone available to rape anytime we stay still.
Predators have no idea what it feels like to be prey all the time. They have no idea what it means to not be able to walk down a street at night. Or even during the day. The rulers have no idea that we don't live like they do. We don't think like they do.
I saw one other thing, another man pondering why women have relationships with men, considering - then there was a list of statistics showing that most violence toward women comes from men - why would we do it?
Still congested and lightheaded, maybe still under the spell of the green comet - same color as the heart chakra, the chakra we are being welcomed into!!
Hope you have a wonderful birthday. I love you,
Clare
my 54th year
Clare,
Husband beat you to the first birthday wish thing…
I heard this sweet "Happy birthday, dear…by the way we have no heat" this morning in my ear.
This happens about once a year….
usually it's the oil burner…
but I think we may be out of oil.
That's never happened before…
we're on an automatic delivery system and they've never let us run out in 20 years. Oh well, they'll be in the office in an hour. In the meantime I have a space heater and the propane fireplace going.
It is snowing. I love to watch it snow. Most of my day will be in an office with no windows, but I will take a break mid-day to watch.
My oldest daughter convinced me to go to a step-aerobic class with her last evening. I had so much fun.
Unfortunately my lungs started to wheeze and I pulled a ligament or something in my left heel. I am limping around unable to bear full weight on the left. It's funny, I don't remember having these problems 16 years ago when I did this everyday.
So, today is my 53 birthday…I enter my 54th year.
Any advice?
I'm going to try to move into a new work place.
I've submitted my CV for two new positions with nonprofits this week. They are both executive directors' positions. I love the counseling, but am getting no where professionally. I can't accrue the 3000 hours that I need to earn my LCSW and then my hourly pay increases and I can see all insurance types. I can only see Medicaid right now.
It's a stupid system if you ask me…
I can't begin to accrue hours until I am consistently seeing 15 clients per week…
in over a year I haven't seen more than 12 clients in a week.
My Meeting has someone deliver a message prior to the beginning of silence. It's a semi-programed approach. Each committee takes a month, and January is the responsibility of Environmental concerns. So I need to find some reading or songs, etc that place our attention on stewardship concerns. I have a "green bible"- all of the passages about care of the earth are typed in green ink. Maybe I'll start there.
Thanks for the birthday wish.
I'm going to try to get warm here.
Love and Light beautiful, gentle sister,
Maggie
Husband beat you to the first birthday wish thing…
I heard this sweet "Happy birthday, dear…by the way we have no heat" this morning in my ear.
This happens about once a year….
usually it's the oil burner…
but I think we may be out of oil.
That's never happened before…
we're on an automatic delivery system and they've never let us run out in 20 years. Oh well, they'll be in the office in an hour. In the meantime I have a space heater and the propane fireplace going.
It is snowing. I love to watch it snow. Most of my day will be in an office with no windows, but I will take a break mid-day to watch.
My oldest daughter convinced me to go to a step-aerobic class with her last evening. I had so much fun.
Unfortunately my lungs started to wheeze and I pulled a ligament or something in my left heel. I am limping around unable to bear full weight on the left. It's funny, I don't remember having these problems 16 years ago when I did this everyday.
So, today is my 53 birthday…I enter my 54th year.
Any advice?
I'm going to try to move into a new work place.
I've submitted my CV for two new positions with nonprofits this week. They are both executive directors' positions. I love the counseling, but am getting no where professionally. I can't accrue the 3000 hours that I need to earn my LCSW and then my hourly pay increases and I can see all insurance types. I can only see Medicaid right now.
It's a stupid system if you ask me…
I can't begin to accrue hours until I am consistently seeing 15 clients per week…
in over a year I haven't seen more than 12 clients in a week.
My Meeting has someone deliver a message prior to the beginning of silence. It's a semi-programed approach. Each committee takes a month, and January is the responsibility of Environmental concerns. So I need to find some reading or songs, etc that place our attention on stewardship concerns. I have a "green bible"- all of the passages about care of the earth are typed in green ink. Maybe I'll start there.
Thanks for the birthday wish.
I'm going to try to get warm here.
Love and Light beautiful, gentle sister,
Maggie
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