need to breathe

Clare,
I am in a whirlwind of activity...
work...
home...
Meeting...
family...

I am in need of that calm, balanced place.

I am going to the island on Sunday...
just husband, the puppy, and me...
I am hoping for calm and quiet.
I need to re-group.

Hopefully I will have time to breathe and reflect.

I love you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

transition

I have been trying to lie with the Earth in the middle of the night, to feel what is going on.

For awhile it felt like transition...one thing following the other, with no breaks in between...

Now it feels like that calm after transition.  Did you ever have that experience...being overpowered by wave after wave of contraction, feeling that surrender to being totally physical, nothing but sensation, and then...calm...nothing...just waiting...having a chance to center back down and breathe...

And then there is that urge to push. And nothing in the world can stop it...nothing...primal push...

Well, right now we are in that calm, centering moment.

And I am joyously terrified of what happens next...

Love and hugs from Clare

authenticity - joy - sorrow - shame...

Hi Maggie,

I didn't ditch and run.  I looked at those words quizzically, and walked away.  And perhaps that is the lesson.  It is better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship.

I think I passed that test!

The weekend was interesting.  I was tired, which affected my ability to think.  But we did an Experiment With Light on Friday night.  I felt like I was in the fog, fighting for answers, fighting for clarity.  I got a definite message.  "You know that thing you are afraid to do?  Well, you have to do it. There is a next step..."  I wondered about the next step, but no, that is not for now.

The next day was a lot of worship sharing, and so a lot of time was spent deep.  But instead of deep and clear, it was deep, and like I needed a shovel to get through.

So I approached this weekend wondering who my authentic self is.  I was thinking about moments of   bring truly who I am.

And someone quoted Joseph Campbell, I believe.  "All we need is sacred space, sacred time, and something joyous to do."

So joy.  Moments of joy are moments when I am authentic.

I said something to a committee member and she posed the query...Authenticity and joy.  And so someone else spoke about sorrow.

And I was back at that moment when I got word our sister-in-law had died.  And I keened. I never knew I could make a sound like that.  That was an absolutely authentic moment.  And it was rooted in sorrow.

I was in my mind trying to define joy. I couldn't.  I couldn't define sorrow very well either.  I got lost in that process of trying to define emotions.  And then I hit that place where I knew that the heart is the seat of emotions, and this all has something to do with evolving into the heart chakra.

Then someone else spoke, and brought out the idea of shame.  I knew I had to listen to Brene yet again...

So - authenticity - joy - sorrow - shame. I could not speak. I was lost in it all.

I think this was a searching weekend.  I think we were churning throiugh something new.  Clarity will come as long as we are faithful.

Similar to what you are planning...we are going to have a visioning session, with the new regional clerk - we are going to worshipfully see if we can get a sense of where the region is going.

I like your new idea. I have noticed that humans like novelty, but we really don't like change.

So, home, thinking, waiting for guests...and sending love


Love and hugs from Clare

ditch and run

Claire,
I'm not sure what exclusivity means...
in the context of relationship.
Of course they imply physical exclusivity, which is their way of ensuring you have no one to compare them with.
But do they also want your mind and soul too?
Do you have to be with them 100% of your time?
Are you allowed to see and enjoy your time with your children, friends, sisters?
What exactly does all of that mean?
I'd run away too.

A step-cousin of ours got married recently...
his fourth marriage...
he's my age.
I think he is living with serial monogamy...
like many.
Hang out until the tough stuff surfaces them ditch and run.

And a cousin of ours is dying from a metastatic tumor...
a life of abuse as a victim and a perpetrator...
Talk about ditching and running from the tough stuff.

What a fucked up world we live in.

I am clerking the planning committee for our spring retreat. I am changing the format and probably going to get push-back for it. We are doing 3panel with audience participation discussions on the topic of Quaker Obstacles and Opportunities...
past, present, and future.
No workshops.
We are doingbreakovut sessions between the past and present sessions.
I think we are going to discuss this through the lens of Equality.
I think it could be a rich opportunity to hear the wisdom of Quaker experiences and take the lessons with us as we tackle problems today.

I am interested in hearing about your discussion of authenticity. Perhaps I can borrow some of the ideas for this gathering.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

exclusivity

Hi Maggie,

Nice to have you back. Now it is my turn. I am off to a Quaker retreat.  We are going to talk about authenticity.

Aren't we brave.

And I have been having lessons concerning men...believe it or not.

The man from the bus last summer...summer 2016...sent me a private message asking me why I wanted to be alone. I am wondering why he made that assumption. He then said sees me as being sensuous and beautiful...and he long for exclusivity. That was what he offered.

And I thought...we met over a year ago. We talked for a few hours.  Now he wants exclusivity...I am confused. And so I replied that we don't know each other well enough to consider exclusivity.

For me, a logical reply would be to question how we could get to know each other.  What I got was a scathing analysis of my behavior - all bad.  And amazingly, I felt confused rather than concerned.

Years ago, I would have felt like I needed to make him like me.  Now I can't be bothered.  I am perfectly happy alone.

Also, he showed his true colors, and I'm not interested...

And  my friend who came to stay this summer is angry with me, because I am not an obedient woman.  And again, I don't care.

I know there has to be a man with better character out there.  If he never comes into my life, sobe it. I would rather be alone...

I'll be back on Sunday with authenticity on my mmind.

Love and hugs from Clare

visit south

Claire,
Sorry, I've been AWOL. I went to the island with 3 of my friends. We'd planned this excursion since February. One of my friends asks a lot of questions...
conversation starting questions...
and when we first got to the island I couldn't think of any ideas to share...
no responses came to my mind.
I had so much scrambling in my brain that I could not think.
But the end of the weekend I was able to consider and think...
and laugh.
we laughed a lot.
The 3 of them re very different souls...
each unique from the other...
but together we make an interesting group.
I am the "mom" of the group...
but one, a pharmacist, is almost as "mommy-ing" as I am...
she has no children...
5 cats, a dog, and a husband...
but she is very cerebral...
like me.
She is very honest and blunt.
She says what she thinks and accepts criticism without offense.
She is about as 'normal' as any one I have ever met.
She is a yoga instructor.
Another friend, also a yoga instructor, is outrageous, lies life to the fullest, and loves freely...
except her husband...
she doesn't love him very much.
The third is a strong empath...
a massage therapist who can read auras, and people, and situations quite well...
except when it comes to her own romances.

I spent some time with them...
I spent some time by myself...
I love walking and being quiet on that island.

2 nieces visited for a day. They both seem to be coping pretty well with the bog changes in their lives. They really fit into the dynamic of the weekend.
It was good.

I am back at work until the first week in November. Husband and I are going south, even if our nephew isn't getting married. We already reserved the house- so why not?

You are spiraling around the swamp...
re-visiting those places that make us stumble.
What is different this time around?

Care for yourself...
be good to your body.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

supplement!

And the disconnect is in the red chakra.  Nothing new.  I'm not seeing anything new at all.  But I feel like I found the wound and I'm circling it and poking it.  I'm seeing everything from a different perspective.

In the middle of the night, I was thinking about 3's and reds.  Like eating wood sorrel - remember the sour grass we ate as kids?  And eating pomegranates...like I need an excuse for that!

As I was thinking, I got the words, fix the vessel.  I have the idea that the breach of my energy system, the shattering of my chakras, and the actual disconnection, have led to unhealth, to carrying extra weight, to addictive patterns, to feeling like I have no control in life, or for other people - having that feeling that life is only safe when we control everything.

Fix the vessel...so the abuse led to my unhealthy body, but having a healthy body is part of what will lead to reconnecting the broken parts. Like maybe we have to reverse the pattern.

I guess it's part of walking back through the swamp.

So...I have been upping some of the herbs I take, and taking cod liver oil and some vitamins. And my body is becoming more sensitive. At first I thought I was getting sick, but now I think I am healing.  And my body is saying no to the foods that cause the unhealthy conditions.

So that is my morning...

Love and hugs from Clare

disconnected

Hey Maggie,

I went to a wedding this afternoon.  I wore the sparkly shoes you gave me.  It was that, or red Converse...Thank you for the sparkles!

Weddings always stir up emotions. Partly because...weddings - joy and love.  Partly today because I have known the bride for half of her life.  I looked back while I was sitting in my pew waiting, and she was standing outside the chapel, waiting to come in, and I felt so much love for her. I looked right at her, she looked right at me. Emotions...spilling everywhere.

But there is always the preparation...deciding what to wear.  I bought new clothes for the first time in years.  I hate it. I hate shopping. I hate dressing rooms and their horrible lighting. I hate looking in the mirror...

And so I was trying all that loathing on for size in the middle of the night when I could not sleep.

And I was thinking about a headline I saw recently stating that disconnection is the root of all addictions. And I suddenly realized I have a serious disconnection inside myself.  I am not connected to me.

I think abuse causes that disconnection.  And with that breach, we struggle to make any other connection. We sort of make them, but not with the authenticity that we could create if we were whole..

This disconnect allows objectification, racism, sexism...I m not sure how to fix it, but I see it in a new way.

Hope all is well with you...

Love and hugs from Clare

watch yo' mouth!

Hi Maggs,

I had another dream that two of my sons died...I woke up and it came to me that it was a warning about my kidneys...

And for nights I dreamed I was cooking and serving...people and more people...and I could see only hands...my hands and the hands of others.

I am in a very active period!!

I enjoyed having Mama here when it was my turn. I am glad you did too. She called and told me she had fun at your house.

Today, I was trying to find my camera, and I found some old photos.  I found a photo of my youngest when she was in her early teens. It was a strange photo, she was making a serious face, but all I thought was - she was so beautiful.  I see so much beauty in each of my kids.

Then I had a quick flash back to being about 13 or 14. There were some photos of me, and Mom was looking at them. She commented it was a shame about my face... My acne destroyed my looks. I looked at the photo and responded that a lot of the marks were freckles.

This may be part of the reason I don't see myself as being good enough, or ever beautiful.

We do have to watch our mouths!

Working a lot, and so no moments of depth and wisdom...just life is changing, everything is changing.

Not much else to share...

Except...

Love and hugs from Clare