selfish

Clare,

I miss you. I have not been giving myself time to do my daily self-care practices…
I've been skipping meditation, journaling and blogging…
it's taking a toll on me.
I feel stressed and tired.

Less than a week until my young man starts school and one week until my youngest's last first day of school. I need a break.
My young man is lying to get his way…
he says what he think I want to hear…
whether it is true or not…
whether he intends to try or not.
He's at the point of lying to appease me.
He was trying to set up going to the movies today with a friend…
a friend he was told to avoid by the group home he was living in…
the friend is in a lot of trouble…
but my young man is desperate to hang out with anyone so he thought it would be ok in a controlled setting…
like the mall and movie theater.
I explained my frustrations and disappointment.
He apologized…
but half-heartedly.
then he asks if/when he can have his cell phone back…
makes the apology seem cheap and exploitative.
I told him he can have it back when I can trust him…
he can set the tone of the relationship.
A few interesting revelations came out of the discussion though…
he has no real friends…
he calls a lot of people his friend, but they never invite him to hang out and don't want to come here to hang with him…
I'm not sure he'd ever thought of that before.
I wish we had had this discussion a month ago…
he's enrolled at his previous high school, even though we live in another district…
they tuition for the school is $4K more than the tuition at my youngest's parochial school…
and we are paying both out of pocket…
it might have been better to have a clean slate to make new friends…
shoulda, coulda, woulda…
gets me all the time.
I've tried to point out his isolation, resistance to engage, lack of trust for us, passive aggressive tendencies…not all at once, but over time. It's pretty classic for people with poor attachments to their parents…
We both wrote about this several times…
if Mom and Dad cannot love me why would anyone else ever love or value me?
It's classic…
it's difficult…
it sucks…
but the breakthrough happens when we open.
it takes courage…
and persistence…
and love.

I hope he has enough…
I hope I have enough…
we all need help.

I did another interview about Quakerism last night. I sent you the link on your email…
I think it went well.
It was with 4 women who do a "the View" type program…
it was silly, but serious at times.
Let me know what you think.

I am exhausted.
I need to spend quiet time with just me.
I need to be selfish for a day.

Oh by the way my youngest showed up with a 4 week old kitten found along a rural road…
we are now bottle feeding and worrying about hydration, baby poops, staying warm, etc…
Her name is Springsteen…
I think I'll nickname her Bruce.
She is very sweet.
the other animals are warming up to her slowly.
Life is never dull.

Tomorrow is my first day of Human Behavior class. I have to teach for part of the session…
I didn't think I was teaching until next week, so I am not totally prepared…
but- C'est la vie…
I will be the cool professor who lets them slide out the first night early- right??

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Safe travels,
Maggie