Home sings me of sweet things...

I don't know if I ever learned that being myself was evil, as much as just not acceptable, not loveable.  Also, those who have the nerve to be different are targeted.  We are all afraid in this violent society.  Free spirits scare the crap out of us, and so we squash them, just to make ourselves comfortable.

I've always been a bit of a nonconformist - not nearly as much as I wish, or dream, or imagine - but some.  Later, I notice people imitating me. Someone has to go first.

West coast dreams are most likely related to my strong desire to see my son and his family.  There has been a lot of connection lately, and I miss them, and worry about them, and dream of being with them.  Maybe I'm also dreaming of having the freedom to take off, just because I want to or whenever I am needed.

Hey, goooood point - learn to control your anger as a way to practice for future relationships!  I have often wondered why we are nicer, politer to strangers in the grocery line than we are to our own family - those we profess to love most.  Why do we come home and vomit our anger at home?  Kind of like crapping in our own beds.  Not very wise.

I saw a question that pushed my buttons today:  If you only had two weeks to live, and wanted to go home...where would you go?

I had a mini film clip of family and friends and places we have been roll through my mind, and came here, to this time and this place.  But I would draw my family close, starting with my children. I love this house, I love this hill, I love this lake.  This feels like home.  But it's the personalities that make it home, more than the place.  Kids, grandkids, sisters, the dogs and the queen of the household cat, some close friends.

I also thought of the way we wait until we are close to death to make peace, to remind people that we love them...

We had a contra dance last week.  A couple from another meeting came.  They are gracious, generous, welcoming people.  During the dance, I saw her go downstairs and get a pitcher of water and a glass for each of the band members.  I didn't think of that.  I am not gracious.  I still don't notice others enough.

This is something I have to work on!

Love and hugs,

Clare

Note- read an account by a man who was attacked my a large cat and thought he was going to die.  He said the moment of almost transition was ecstatic.

A long week

Fascinating…
We are hiding behind our plastic facades…
maybe it's make up, maybe tattoos, maybe piercings, maybe fat…
but we are camouflaging ourselves to not bee truly seen.

When did we learn that being ourselves was evil? Why do we think conformity is the norm?
Conformity does allow survival of the herd…
I am thinking of zebras against the lions...
but the individual either loses its own identity or gets killed as it strays along the fringes.
I am asking myself, Would I rather die a long, slow, emotionally paralyzed death or just get taken down by the predator? I am not sure the answer I would choose…
except that I would offer a third alternative, Would I rather stray and be myself, with the potential of death, but also the potential of true living…
that's my choice…
now I need to find the courage to follow that.

The dreams are interesting the West Coast…does that symbolize new life…or for you picking up a lost part of your present life?
The permanent record is priceless…you are the keeper of your own history…
only you are responsible for it, and the past's effects on your present life. I love the nun delivering it to you…I hope she didn't have a ruler in her hand.

The insights into animal behaviors make me stop and think. We are confused, disconnected…
we don't know how to be really human any more…
and it's been generations since we actually lived with the land…
you do a good job of that though…I guess the wisdom is there if we choose to access it.

I am tired from being up with my son…
he is better…
back to school today.
The week was good for us...
peaceful,
we talked about respectful communication and that I expect him to speak respectfully to me…
he can think what he wants, but not say it aloud…
I told him it is good training for when her has a partner in life…
no woman or man would stay around being talked to the way he has to me in the recent past…
he seemed to appreciate the message.

I am off to the office.
I have met such strong women at this office…
most of whom have stories similar ours…
and they are fighting for their lives…
I am blessed to see this side of humanity.

Love and Light Clare,
Maggie

Middle-night Musings

I'm back...I had some crazy dreams, and wanted to share.

I had lots of crazy dreams, all jumbled together.  Bits and pieces stayed with me.  I wanted to record them here, partly for posterity, partly for any insight you may have.  I dreamed someone I knew was moving to the west coast.  I had three rides lined up for visiting my west coast kids.  I was so happy.

Then I dreamed I was sitting at a table, maybe in a cafeteria, with another woman, maybe my oldest daughter or maybe her best friend.  Someone, a nun I think, was coming and talking to people at each table. When she stopped at our table, she talked for a few minutes and left.  There were some papers left behind.  I picked them up and realized it was my permanent record.  Remember the threats in school?  That's going on your permanent record!  I wanted to call her and give it back, but the person I was with took it and hid it, then gave it back to me later.  I realized it was mine, and no one else should have it.

I opened it up and saw my childhood handwriting - like from when I was about 9.  I had captioned a lot of photos of Grammy. She must have been in her late 30's, and she was smiling.  I also started reading some of the private notes teachers had written about me. I can't remember them now, though.

But then, as usual lately, I was awake in the middle of the night.  I read something yesterday that said all of the wildlife, notably the bison, are fleeing from Yellowstone Park. I was thinking about animals and instinct.  I was thinking about cows - they used to be wild.  But now they are trapped out of the sunlight, ankle deep in their own shit, fed ground stuff which includes cow products - forced cannibalism - and antibiotics. If they were released, they would be confused. They would not know how to flee the way the bison do.

Then I stopped and the thought came - Oh, that's us.  We are trapped, fed processed crap, and we don't recognize how to escape.  We have been dulled...

Aren't I a breath of fresh air tonight??

Hope all is well with you and your family. Sending love to all.

Clare

Costumed

Had a weird little moment I thought I would share.  I was getting ready to go in the shower and glanced out the window,  Maybe I saw my reflection, I'm not sure...but I suddenly had the feeling that my fat was a costume I pulled on on purpose.  I saw my real self underneath.  Then I wondered if   old was another part of the costume we pull on...

Sweet dreams,

Clare

Exhausted and restless

I spent ten years with no electricity. I know most of the plants that grow here. I have a lot of useful skills.  I do know I want my family with me.  Why survive if everyone else is gone?  But, maybe when the time comes, we have a stronger will to survive than we could possibly imagine.

Went for two walks today. Took the dogs out after I was finished at my desk, because I thought I would explode if I didn't get out in the sunshine.  After dinner my daughter asked if I wanted to go for a walk with her and the baby, to try to tire the baby out.  So we leashed up the dogs again, and we went out to breathe fresh air.  It felt good.  I am feeling so hopeful - that the flowers will return, that the gardens will be productive and healthy and vibrant and nourishing on every level...that I can go barefoot soon.

And now, both dogs are curled up together in the big recliner.

When I was out, I didn't find any daffodils or tulips pushing through.  I wonder if the extreme cold killed them.  I did find daylilies and irises and vinca.  So, spring is coming...I heard the red-winged blackbirds. They sing summer to my soul.

So we are expecting two eclipses this month.  As I have noted repeatedly here, an eclipse usually brings some unwanted, but desperately needed information or insight. I'm gaining some resolve - just sit back and let it happen.  Just keep my mind open and see what the universe has to present this time.

The Earth is working on finding balance.  We had two earthquakes this week.  And we had the rampaging waters that weren't worth reporting, which means that there must have been violent extremes many places.

I thought your image of sinking in the Subaru was poetically appropriate. I don't have a car.  I'm a pain in everybody else's butt, but there's nothing to sink me in!

The restlessness continues.  I am tired, but I have things to do.  So let me face them, then maybe I can rest.

How is your boy? How is our sister?

Love and hugs and such,

Clare

homeostasis

Clare,

I woke yesterday to my son asking for help, another day with the stomach virus…
I gathered the necessary items, made him comfortable and cleaned up the aftermath of the previous night…and then he asked me to sing to him…
he asked to be comforted in a way that we hadn't done for a very long time…
it was really magical.
I am grateful for these little opportunities…
and hope that I don't overlook them because they are inconvenient for me.

I think we are going to have to be very adaptable…
and smart…
in order to ride this storm.
There will be many, who have abundant resources who will not have the common-sense, survival smarts… but I would expect that those closest to the land will do the best. The indigenous people who have not lost connection…those who are open enough to learn from the earth…they are the survivors…the rest of us will sink in our Subaru.

The earth is purging…
it is overworked and overloaded…
and overtaxed…
and exploited…
out of balance.
It needs to regain homeostasis.
That perfect, dynamos, give and take kind of balance that supports life and health.
Humans are working so hard against the balance…at least most of us are.
It is a losing proposition…because the earth is a larger force and we are mortal.

I am on the road all day today. I will see S#3 later today- which is always a blessing.
Have a wonderful day.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Riiiiiide!

Hey Maggie, 

I think that when we are sick, we are vulnerable, we are soft and open to grace.  I think maybe one of the honors of being a parent is taking care of sick children. They are some of the most tender memories I cherish.

Hmmmm...might have been fun to show up at Mom and Dad's with a dozen young adults. Just thinking...

I am busy waiting for the snow to melt and wondering if it truly will. I am going to plant some seeds for the garden - here in the house, so my melons and cucumbers have a head start.  I am living in the future, anticipating gardens.  I always get develop this image of a perfect garden in my head.  Then I realize it is silly, because everything does not bloom and/or ripen at the same time.  Kind of like life. Things progress and happen in progressions. And we have to trust.

I feel like changes are happening around me, quickly. I feel like storms bring the changes. I have almost finished reading Flight Behavior, and have begun understanding - less logically and more emotionally - that climate change is not only real, but drastically real and everything will be drastically different.  It's not that things are going to shake up a little and go back to normal...which is what I realized I have been waiting for. Things will never go back. We will have chaos and then there will be a new normal.

Coming home, passing over the high point in the fog, seeing the torrents of rain ripping at the road...I suddenly felt it inside my being.  The normal will be ripped away and we will have to settle into a new normal...if we survive.

I have been seeing it in relationships, too. It's a way to remember, to be forced to acknowledge, that we are connected to the Earth. We are part of it and the changes are going to reflect in our lives in so many ways.

I think now is the time of testing our faith and our connection. Can we ride the flow?  Relax and hang on? Trust that we are where we need to be? 

I hope so...

I know trust is centered in the heart chakra.  Faith.  Whatever happens is meant to happen and I simply have to surrender as gracefully as possible.  I have been working on softening. And I think the time is upon us...we are going for a riiiide!


Love and hugs and faith and trust...

Clare