So much, so much

Hi Maggie,

Apologies...sort of.  Mama has been here for two weeks. When I have company, I tend to put my regular activities on the back burner and focus on the person I am with.  Also, writing here seems so private, seems like a sanctuary, and I wait until I feel safe and alone to come here.

I have been thinking about this focus on rejoicing in selfishness. It troubles me. Now I know being a martyr is bad. It is a form of  deifying your personal victimhood.

But we need a balance between taking care of ourselves and taking care of our world and the people and the issues in it.

So, yeah, childhood was less than idyllic, and I have learned to hide. Now I am searching for my authentic self.

Not easy, but not a bad choice.

Being vulnerable...just like your son is exploring, I hope.  I have a feeling we let romance movies determine our relationship status...meet...interest...miscommunication...drama...sex...now we are going to live happily ever after.  There is no message about the day-to-day development of life forever. There is no time to look at how we slowly let a relationship deepen and ripen and decide where we want to go...

I will admit I have been wondering how people stay together for a long time. What is there to talk about?

I think in addition to being a romance retard, I am too jaded to get it.

When I wrote for the paper, I attended a widow's grief group for one meeting to talk about the work they did there.  Someone commented that it didn't matter how much of a son-of-a-b the husband was before death, after he died he became a saint.

So Mama commented a few times on not knowing my kids, not having a relationship with them for years. We just ignored the white elephant in the room -  Papa didn't like us, we weren't welcome, he wasn't nice.

Now we are just remembering the sweet things.

Is this how we lose the memories/the awareness of sexual predation from uncles and brothers? It gets lost under the funny moments. Because it is troubling and confusing, but in a family like ours there were enough connected moments to not exactly balance the abuse, but to cover it...to make young memories unsure...

I have missed Mama, pretty much since when Papa came home from Vietnam, but definitely since I started protecting my kids from Papa.

Did she have to choose him over us? Did I truly choose my kids over their Dad? Did it protect them?  Is there ever a good choice once we are part of these dysfunctional families?

And so I am lost in the whirl of memories, of now. We had a good visit. Mama and I were always good friends. We still talk a lot. I value that. She got to spend quality time with my four local kids. They were gracious and generous.  I am so proud of how good they each are.

We talked about the past, and about feelings. She talked about going though Papa's death.

I remember when I counseled new mamas, we learned to let them tell their birth story over and over. That was how they made it theirs. I think maybe our death stories are the same. It is easier, more joyful to hear a birth story. But I think we need to find the darker joy in each death story.

My friend has been diagnosed with cancer. Again.  This time there is no cure, no way to halt the progress. The best they can do it slow it slightly. And so she is currently, consciously dying. And she knows it. She has to face it each day.

They had a party yesterday. They are creating moments for friends and loved ones to come and say goodbye, to spend time, knowing it might be the last time. It's kind of like Dad's birthday party.  There is something vibrant and terrible about knowing it is a last time...

They had a party yesterday. I planned to go. I had to wait for S#5 and her husband to come and fetch Mama. They came in Friday night and stayed in a hotel, then visited for a short while on Saturday morning after breakfast before leaving. Seemed like a strong statement for who we are as a family. I am close, but I am not gonna to come close enough to touch...When Mama left, I texted a bit with my friend. It was cold on the beach where they were partying, but they thought they might be there for a little longer...It was going to take us two and a half hours to get there.  So we decided we would go on a private weekend and spend some time then...I hope we can forge ahead instead of letting life happen around us, instead of putting things off until it is too late...

Maybe we do that because we are cowards...

And, lastly, as Hurricane Irma lands in Florida, one of my non-bio kids is hunkered down in the line of the eye of the storm...and I am aware of her every moment.

So that is life here. Lots of adventures in my near future. But no more house guests, unless S#3 comes to visit...

Hope all is well with you.

Love and hugs from Clare