fuckfuckfuck

Hi Maggie,

Lots of transitions for you...maybe for everyone.  I am so sorry you lost your little Livy. We really allow ourselves to feel when we lose a fur-baby.  I think that is part of their gift.

I'm glad she overlapped just a little with your Henry.  There is a continuity.

When I read your post - write the book, I started crying again.  I am fighting this.  I don't want to...I have to either get past the emotions, or learn to use them...

And so I talked to best friend from college. She said, "Write."  Then she said maybe there was an academic who could take my writing and fill it out with what I am too close to see.

I wanted to be the academic. I wanted to go to grad school, and use this as a thesis. I think I wanted to distance myself from the emotions. But she may be right. I am too close. I may not be able to provide the distance needed for a fuller perspective.

And then...

On Monday I went to Lily Dale with S#3, her daughter, nephew's girlfriend, and her mother, and one of S#3's granddaughters.

First session of the day...first reading of the first session..."You with the glasses, and the blue...May I come to you?"

And she told me she had a strong fatherly figure with her. He recently passed over.  You were there when he was passing. I said no. But he knew you were concerned...

Then she said he was sending love, he was on a loving vibration. And I started crying, because I never felt like he loved me.  He said he understands now that I/why I did things differently.  He was never interested in our emotions, he didn't have time to listen to us.  I did things completely different, and my children live in a completely different world.  He praised my patience.

Yeah, still crying.

Then...

Then he said I am the one who has the strength. I am the one who can move forward and change things, change the family.  I am the one who can stop the problems.

And, oh yeah, he added:  don't worry because the money will work itself out. Money will be available.

So, either I am nuts, or Dad just gave me permission, and encouraged me, to out our family.

Fuck.  Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, still crying.

So, how are you?

Love and hugs from Clare