triggering

Clare,
The trip was a whirlwind 4 day trip to the southwest for orientation. The university did not provide one right before move in , so we had to make a special trip out for that. It was a great opportunity to see the campus, have some great southwest food, and visit the Grand Canyon.

It was truly a 'bucket list day'...

when I typed that last sentence it came out 'buck day"...very weird

The trip was a guided tour, but offered free time to roam. I posted pictures on social media of my youngest's thrill seeking...
it made me sick to watch him...
so I walked away and asked the 'Angels of Protection' to be with him.

I realized on that day that he is very much like Papa...
which is one of the reasons I react so strongly to his 'shenanigans'
(except for the fact that he LOVES heights).
When my son gets frustrated, even mildly, he makes rude, loud comments.
He won't talk to the person who is able to answer or make things right...
he chooses to call out their 'sins'...
embarrass or shame them...
and win others to his 'side'.
He doesn't see that there is no need for sides...
just better communication and a willingness to adapt- from all sides.
I realized that I am incredibly uncomfortable when he starts to rant because I felt shame when Papa did that. It's not that I want him to accept abuse or poor treatment...
but he has to understand that sometimes things don't work out as perfectly as they are planned.
The ironic thing is that he is never on time for anything and frequently fails to uphold his end of any agreement.
But he is triggering Papa reactions in me.
Once I recognize it I can start to monitor and adapt the way that I respond to him.

I hope that you are well.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

all in all...progress

Clare,

I am having a rather lazy weekend at home. No really lazy...
I've mowed and replanted a few plants...
but I'm not running around like my usual crazy person self.

Work is good. I've got a full plate.
Meeting is quiet for the summer.
We are getting ready to travel with our youngest to AZ for his orientation this week. We are making a mini-vacation out of it. A day trip to the Grand Canyon on Saturday is planned.
I've never seen it...
and I really want to.
Our older is keeping the dog for us. A friend is house-sitting and caring for the cats.
It is complicated to have some freedoms.

I am driving back out the in mid-August with all of his stuff for the drop-off. I've also wanted to do a cross-country road trip...
this is almost cross-country.
Son #2 and I are driving out together...
husband is flying out to meet us at the end of the week...
and then husband and I are driving back home...
visiting sites along the way.
we are spending more time in Santa Fe and Nashville along the trip back, but also staying at a cabin along the skyline drive in VA...
it should be a great trip.

I see my psychic/reiki healer tomorrow. I am interested to see if she has nay insight on Papa's passing to the other side. I have not seen her at all this year...
a lot has happened.
I'd love to ask what lessons he was tasked with teaching me...
and did I learn those lessons.
I need some flow, especially in my ankle.

I started PT this week. The PT told me my ankle and foot joints are "frozen" from being immobilized for 8 weeks.  I have had 2 treatments and feel so much better. My stability is better. I am able to walk more 'normally'- less limping to protect the stiff, sore joints. I still have significant swelling, but it is better. I still have pain by the evening, but not much through the day.
All in all...progress.

I hope that you are still flowing...
I hope to do more of that once my youngest is safely deposited at school.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

will I ever be satisfied?

Clare,

I'm excited for you...
let it flow!

I once decided to tell Mama D about a recurrent dream I'd had as a kid and the meaning I gleaned from it...
she glazed over.
During the same conversation I told her about an experience I'd had...
I was in my kitchen, angry with her about something she failed to acknowledge (birthday or something) and I had this distinct ring in my right ear. I closed my eyes and knew it was Grammy coming through to me...
I clearly received a message, "Don't be so hard on her. You don't know what she's been through."
It was so profound I can still hear it in my head.
Anyway, Mama D was not impressed, at least outwardly.
I came alway from that conversation sorry I disclosed and convinced that I need to choose better who to share my 'insights' with.

I have been promoted in my agency...
but my colleague has told people that nothing has changed except that I will now take on the administrative duties. I'm not sure that I agree with that statement. I have to really consider what kind of a director I want to be. I don't want to assume administrative duties that a secretary could handle (administrative assistant)...I want to lead. The important question is, how do I want to lead- what kind of leader am I? That has to develop over time.

Sometimes I wish I was a stay at home wife with nothing to think about but, dinner, when can I exercise, and when am I hanging out with my friends!
Not really- I tried that for years and felt totally unstimulated and isolated.
I am not sure I will ever be satisfied.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

back to it

Hi Sister...

What did S#3 get? Her first comment - Yeah, that was Papa - always first and loudest.  And later she commented that he talked to me, but not to her.  I know that feeling.  I have experienced it many times!

It was when the medium started talking about his style of parenting being so different than mine that S#3 and her daughter both felt Papa.

It made me wonder how advanced he is, what pain he took on to experience, to learn, to teach this time.  I wonder about all of us!

The first time I went to LilyDale, I went with a Cherokee F/friend for Indian week.  She asked me to come and help watch kids...we had the same number.  Grammy came through.  I told Mom and she scoffed and told me her mother did not believe anything like this.

I don't think she wants to know this.  My plan was to say nothing. But S#3 seems to want to let Mama know. I will wait to see what happens. We will call her tomorrow for her birthday.

My inner saboteur is at work. I am becoming efficient...with a nice list of what must be done before I can sit down and write.  I just went for a walk with the dogs...only a mile.  I am still not walking like I did before I was sick last fall. I am feeling rather jello-ey!  My plan is to walk a mile everytime I get blocked.

Actually once I got started last night, I had to stop myself because I need to get up early. But I could have gone on...

So, back to it tonight...as soon as I am done here...still not sure how to organize, but I will keep writing!

Love and hugs from Clare

working hard

Clare,
I knew you would eventually write...
just watch for the saboteur in you...
there's one in all of us.
Maintain a dialogue with the saboteur...
find out why they want to distract or confound your attempts to work on your life's purpose...
it may offer even more insights.

I pulled this from your last post...
What dis S#3 talk about? that Papa came through?

Oh, and S#3 said she mentioned some of what happened to S#5...she is wondering if it will get to Mom...I'm not ready for that!

I am trying hard to work on my inner self and outer self...
one feeds the other.
I am seeing a physical therapist tomorrow for my sprained ankle. I have officially given in and asked for additional opinions. I refused PT before because I didn't have time for appointments with the 3 projects I had running concurrently in May and June. Now things have settled down a bit. So I am signed up for 3 times a week- first appointment tomorrow.
I got sick of being sedentary so I walked this past weekend...
I went 3 miles at a decent pace.
It was uncomfortable, but not terrible.
I iced and took some ibuprofen...
had reflux...
but I'm doing it again tonight.
I am so sick of sitting around!

Let your Light shine beautiful sister,
Maggie

I am going to write!

Hi Maggie,

I am satisfyingly tired. I planted and weeded and mowed and watered.  I remembered to wear my big hat!  And while I worked, I thought...I let my mind wander.

The book is sort of writing itself. Today I will open a brand new document and start it.  We will see where it takes me.

Green wood really needs time to season, or else it just makes smoke.  Maybe this time alone here on this land was my seasoning time...

So when the kids were young, we had two different women move in with us when their marriages ended.  One of them divorced again, and is going to live here again.  She is bringing sheep and rabbits and dogs...can you tell she is one of my fiber friends? - who I actually met at my first meeting about 30 years ago.  I like the company, but I am becoming very aware of how much time I have been spending alone.  And I don't mind being alone at all.

But, you know, it sucks being a single older woman in this country.  Working together helps.

We went to a party last night...my friend, my daughter, my granddaughter, and I.  I can see that married people and single people live in completely different worlds.  Someone who used to come to my current meeting was there with her new husband.  There were two couples about the age of our parents there...I watched how couples stick together. It is different...

I talked to my closest friend here, and she is going to try to be my academic.  She has an MSW, like you. And we agreed, we would see how it goes...

I still have chicks in my office.They are getting bigger. It has to be almost time for them to go out. My sons have partially completed the chicken house...I'll keep you posted.

I was wondering what would happen if you and I and maybe S#3 went to a medium and asked to talk to some of our ancestors. I wonder if we could get the story, and find out exactly what happened to us. And if we did, I wonder if I would trust the info!

Oh, and S#3 said she mentioned some of what happened to S#5...she is wondering if it will get to Mom...I'm not ready for that!

And the last sort of interesting thing I wanted to mention about our day trip last week, was that Mom's dad came through. He talked about some things that happened to me, and let me know he was there with me.  I am not sure why, but it seemed important that I know he is with me.

I think I am probably the only grandchild who physically, experientially remembers him.

I am going to write...send love.

Love and hugs from Clare

green wood to coals

Clare,

He never found the courage to out the family secrets...
but from the other side of the veil he can allow the swamp to run...
eventually running to the clear source.
I am fascinated what else the medium(s) said.

I feel as if I need to go back to my psychic friend to touch base. I wonder if his energy is more at peace with our journey this time around.
From the reports he and I have taken turns hurting and killing the other in previous lives...
at least this one we peacefully coexisted...
maybe even learned a little rom each other.
What a weird journey this is.

I think your college friend is correct. If someone else adds the cerebral part to the writing you can be free to share the emotions and lessons.
You are like me...
analyze, keep it at a safe distance...
until suddenly it is no longer separate from you...
the emotion will burn, but not consume you...
it will change you- as green wood that is put into the fire...
popping and releasing...
then seasoning...
eventually becoming the coals that maintain the fire.
You are the keeper of the ancestral stories- at least the lineage...
it is your story to tell.
I will help you if you need me.
I will remain beside you through the process.

I think Henry is Dory returned to us...
he has so many similar habits and looks to him.
I loved him from the minute I saw a photo of him...
and in real life he is even more lovable.

Livie is in a better place. Her world had contracted due to blindness, arthritis, and congestive heart failure. She is free to chase butterflies and jump 3 feet in the air once again. She is buried next to Dory at the bottom of our yard. Within view of the house to remind me how much they added to my life. I am grateful.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

fuckfuckfuck

Hi Maggie,

Lots of transitions for you...maybe for everyone.  I am so sorry you lost your little Livy. We really allow ourselves to feel when we lose a fur-baby.  I think that is part of their gift.

I'm glad she overlapped just a little with your Henry.  There is a continuity.

When I read your post - write the book, I started crying again.  I am fighting this.  I don't want to...I have to either get past the emotions, or learn to use them...

And so I talked to best friend from college. She said, "Write."  Then she said maybe there was an academic who could take my writing and fill it out with what I am too close to see.

I wanted to be the academic. I wanted to go to grad school, and use this as a thesis. I think I wanted to distance myself from the emotions. But she may be right. I am too close. I may not be able to provide the distance needed for a fuller perspective.

And then...

On Monday I went to Lily Dale with S#3, her daughter, nephew's girlfriend, and her mother, and one of S#3's granddaughters.

First session of the day...first reading of the first session..."You with the glasses, and the blue...May I come to you?"

And she told me she had a strong fatherly figure with her. He recently passed over.  You were there when he was passing. I said no. But he knew you were concerned...

Then she said he was sending love, he was on a loving vibration. And I started crying, because I never felt like he loved me.  He said he understands now that I/why I did things differently.  He was never interested in our emotions, he didn't have time to listen to us.  I did things completely different, and my children live in a completely different world.  He praised my patience.

Yeah, still crying.

Then...

Then he said I am the one who has the strength. I am the one who can move forward and change things, change the family.  I am the one who can stop the problems.

And, oh yeah, he added:  don't worry because the money will work itself out. Money will be available.

So, either I am nuts, or Dad just gave me permission, and encouraged me, to out our family.

Fuck.  Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, still crying.

So, how are you?

Love and hugs from Clare

good lesson

Clare,

This has been an interesting week.

We puppy-sat our oldest's dog...
brother of our puppy.
It is exhausting...
they have so much energy.
I haven't laughed this much in years.
They are either 100% on or fast asleep.
They played and played.
They ruined several perennial gardens...
but they were exploring and fully enjoying the sights, smells, tastes, and feel of the world...
a good lesson to learn.

On Saturday our old dog died very suddenly.
It was not unexpected...
she has been in heart failure for a while.
She has had two or three nights where her breathing was so labored I doubted she would survive until morning...
but she bounced back and seemed better the next day.
She took a half mile walk with us last week...
she wouldn't stay on the porch when we were taking the puppy for his walk...
I assumed I would carry her for most of the walk...
but she stayed with us almost the whole way.
She rode along for a pizza run this weekend.
She even ate pizza crusts Saturday evening...
one of her favorite treats...
before she died.
She collapsed, had a brief seizure, and then her breathing became agonal...
I picked her up and she died in my arms.
My youngest was there through it all.
He chose her 11.5 years ago...
wants to name her 'milkshake' ...
and then helped her leave the earthly realm.
He cried...
he really has such a good heart.

He is struggling with boredom and the transition...
he wants to move to the next step- college- NOW.
We had some very good talks this weekend.
I pray for him...
choices are really important...
setting boundaries for himself is really important...
he just doesn't know how to wait well.

I hope that you re having a wonderful Holiday week.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie